Missing My Thinking and Emotions

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I always felt tempted to read sociology, psychology and philosophy, because I am a deep thinker and I love ruminating. Since my late childhood, I kept obsessing about big questions of life regarding the absolute truth, beginning of life, destiny of mankind, death, afterlife, Day of Judgment and accountability. Upon sharing my thoughts with a few close acquaintances, I got to know that many people ponder on these thoughts. But the same thoughts when pop-up into a malfunctioned brain, don’t appear in a same way like they do in a ‘normal’ people’s mind. Often, these questions and thoughts turn into obsessions and become psychotic, generally referred as a unique form of OCD i.e. Pure O.

Sometimes I decide not to read dark stuff, like philosophical writings, something that turns on my rumination mode. After all, what is the use of indulging into something that ruins your inner peace and triggers a war of thoughts in your head. I read a quote of some wise author which goes like “I desire things that will kill me in the end”. That is so true in my case. I desire to study philosophy; I love to indulge in deep thinking, in an argument to discover the truth by travelling on my unique path.

Some days I go easily with ignorance. I deliberately don’t pay attention to the questions or the urges that pops into my mind. I tend to ignore things and ideas that bother me, just for the sake of my mental peace. But unfortunately, can’t get along ahead with my attempt. Almost every time, I feel so empty from inside. The hollowness of ignorance makes me more restless. I feel there is no purpose of my existence. As another saying of another wise person goes like “I think, therefore I am”. I believe in that firmly. The difference between my peers and me is because of the way we think and respond to whatever is happening with us and around. I am different from them because of my perspectives and opinions. I admit they are living a happier life than me as they have a good health and a pretty stable and consistent life, and on the other hand, I dwell in uncertainty. But still, I feel distinguished because of my identity, which is the way to see things differently, to feel with more intensity.

Therefore, I always fail to remain ignorant. Every time, I get landed into thinking and rumination again. And what I realized after reading my previous blogs, that although I was not that much stable that time when I wrote those, I was struggling with my emotional battles but I was not this much emotionally flat as I become now because of this stability. I had no career stability that time, but I was alive. Today when I have a productive routine, but I don’t feel myself. I feel more empty and hollow. I feel lack of motivation and purpose.

Rayan Ahmed.

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OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.