But I’m not a failure
This post is the continuation of my last post “Workplace Phobia” I am no more a weak person who regrets everything that was ever happened to me in this life. When I failed to do something, I started cursing myself and blaming for incompetency. I always under-estimated myself for not performing well consistently in career like my other friends. I’m being very honest here. Because I made this blog to express my inner self which I have to hide in real world.I’m attracted to guys and when I see successful friends I envy their girl friends or future wives and used to wish I were a girl and would marry a rich successful handsome guy and live happily forever.
These all thoughts show how much I hate myself. I am good at motivational speeches and quotes, i recently made a video to “teach” public to be comfortable and have peace with themselves and don’t pretend or wish to be someone else. CRAP !!
May be people who say good things to motivate others are actually motivating themselves and making them realize what they know but never act upon.
Yesterday, when I was coming back from workplace, I was having racing thoughts, initial ones were the same self-blaming, guilt of failure and giving up emotions. But then suddenly, I said myself NO. Not this time. I might fail again but that doesn’t mean I should give up or condemn myself. I am a patient not a normal person, I am on medications and have to put great effort to look normal. Then also, I got employment offer after 2 hours of interview, that means I’m not incompetent, I have a lot to offer but sadly due to my illness and phobias, I can not spend 9 hours at work. I am not sure about severeness and frequency of my mood swings for a long period. I get paranoid among people. I lose my identity and consciousness while talking to colleagues. BUT I know my work. I know I can write well, I know internet marketing, I am confident about my creative skills. So, I should find some other type of work to earn. For instance Freelance work, or there are many ways to earn from home. It’s just that I am not fit in workplace, doesn’t mean I can not work.
There are two types of people in this world. First, who are in majority, they struggle with the world. People call them ‘normal’ and others few, who have to struggle with their own selves because their own thoughts and emotions are their worst enemies. They have to develop their own environment to seek comfort and peace. I’ve started working to design that environment. Will share with you as well.
Thanks for Reading