I Desire More Pain to Heal

bigstockphoto_Prayer_4660920 O how fortunate you are,

To carry those wounds,

Visible on your skin.

I envy you for the privilege.

Feel helplessly annoyed for,

Being unfaithful to myself,

To abandon the bruises,

Of my fading soul that

Keeps me blooming.

To rejoice the misery,

Over and over and over.

Mortal body is futile to,

Attire the scars of soul.

Ah how truthful you are,

For sharing your ordeal.

See how miserable I am,

I desire more pain to heal.

~ Rayan ~

Image found at: 



In the Blues of Gloom

When gratitude Fades Away.  (Image: Google)

When gratitude Fades Away.
(Image: Google)

I know there are many people on the same planet living more miserable life than me; people in Africa are starving to death and I have enough food than my appetite, children don’t have clean water to drink and I waste too much water in shower, women don’t have enough clothes to cover their bodies and I keep buying new outfits for me. I’m not a coldhearted person, I realize the misery of suffering humanity, but when I’m knocked down by my inner self, I become selfish and cruel to think only about my pain and my misery. I consider myself as the most unfortunate person on the planet. My conscious mind disregards all the blessings to be grateful for and my achievements to be proud of and in return, zooms in all the wounds of my soul in the form of deprivation, past failures and future worrisome. Despite knowing, I’m not a part of the social rat race, I start comparison with others. Surprisingly, at this point of time, every person I know appears to be valuable and successful, making most out of his rocking and exciting life. In the sparkling light of which, my dull and boring self becomes more regretful and I get buried in the mud of shame. My existence was never such meaningless as it seems now. At this moment, the power of reason surrenders in front of overwhelming irrational emotions of despair, probably that’s why all the self-help literature I keep reading to boost my morale, fails to encounter the irresistible negativity within and the self-counseling techniques sound not more than an absurd and futile remedy. My self-esteem and self-worth seem far distinct to approach. The light, which I found in myself after going through several sessions of trial and silent meditation, disappeared leaving behind the haunting darkness. The only blessing of such phase that I could recall is a fanciful comfort of death because life, in front of which, seems to be much more frightening.


Hypomania & Spirituality

People do experience strange things including confused thoughts in hypomania. Bipolar patient who is suffering from hypomanic episode may not be able to figure out this confused state of mind due to the raised and disturbed energy level, impulsiveness and other episode symptoms and psychotic features.

For instance, bipolar experiences spiritual-awakening in hypomania and he gets closer to God and His divine powers. In this state of mind he gets high alert and notices ‘signs’ in his daily activities. This happens due to increased focus and alertness towards environment that made him relate every thought, saying, experience, happening, incident to himself in some way or the other. Music, television drama, cinema or even Facebook news feed communicate directly to him and he perceives some message from the content of media. However this message is not always true. It may happen due to spiritual awakening in hypomanic episode.

It is important to know that these incidents and content of media has always been happening in the same way earlier too but in normal state of mind, patient doesn’t pay much attention to it, resulting he receives such messages casually and doesn’t perceive any meaning. The bombardment of messages from environment and media has always been there but hypomania makes a person more alert and responsive so he takes the information in a strange way and perceives different meanings relating to his life and people in his circle.

If we take it in the religious context then we would be surprised to know that bipolar disease has some connection with religiosity of a patient. People who suffer from bipolar may get closer to religion and divinity to seek help from Almighty God. It helps them manages his mood swings by following religious teachings and practices. In hypomania, patient regards these signs as the message of God and he therefore makes his belief strengthened in Holy teachings. He thinks that God is showing him the right path by directly communicating to him. As I experienced all this is my recent hypomanic episode, I could conclude it that when God chooses you to show the right path then He enlightens your soul and include you among His beloved ones.

If you see something happening according to your wish even before you make any effort for its pursuit you feel blessed and you think God is with you. Similarly, when you have faith in divine, superior powers, you perceive it as God is making your journey easier by guiding you. And this thought gives you a great feeling of happiness and pride that you are special.