I don’t know if anybody noticed, I stopped writing for sometime. 2013 was the year of great setbacks and self evolution. I had been through the pain of back to back severe manic and depressive episodes, both lasted 3 months. I went into a state of disappointment and despair and thought I would never have a peaceful life. My friends who are bipolar-homosexual could relate to my story in a better way as when these two combine, the panic is enough to make you crazy.
Later this year, when I thought things wouldn’t change and I will be living like a loser despite all degrees and shining academic portfolio, a miracle happened.. when, how, I don’t know.. but why !! Yes this I know.. because I was waiting for a miracle, that’s the only thing that could change my life. I understood that life changes with your perspective, otherwise things are the same. I am the same guy, pretty same routine,. same medications.. same family issues.. Its just that I see things differently. I will tell you HOW.
I stopped thinking about career or why do I have homosexual feelings. This is the first thing I did. then I said OK. Now What !! then I started exploring my interests, apart from those what I have been doing all these years.. instead things that I wanted to do but didn’t do for some reasons. Like I always listen to typical bollywood film music.. dance numbers etc.. so I started listening classical and folk music. and the new compositions and beats aroused me interest to explore more.. I listened to Ghazals.. Ghazal is somewhat classical sort of music belong to sub-continent. later on, I searched for creative images, starting from my laptop desktop.. I changed my cell phone tones.. I started dressing up well without a reason.. with no intention to show my friends and take compliments… Pinterest is a great platform for images of any sort. I discovered I like and understand Art.. and I literally listened to those paintings. this is the time I realized pictures do speak. and silence scream !! da feeling is wonderful.. I was knowing myself..
I always love to think and talk about life, experiences and relationships.. but urbanization somehow screwed up everything.. conversations are on skype and mobile.. most of us don’t know the charm of having a great conversation with friend or partner having cups of coffee in cool breeze in terrace.. !! I discovered a writer for me.. Paulo Coehlo. He is just an amazing person.. he has a great contribution in changing my life.. He made me see things beyond the imagination of reality. Now, I don’t see, I observe. I feel, I absorb !!
I didn’t have sex for about an year, just in a thought that whether its good to have or not… but in this very span.. a friend appeared after 5 years.. n we just had a good time on bed.. more of a cuddling and foreplay.. I was amazed to see I was too frustrated to have sex. and that time during 3 hrs neither of us ejaculated. Isnt it amazing? I don’t believe this. Now its been a week and I didn’t masturbate !! coz my soul is in peace..