OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Defeating the Disease

This is very obvious that people with mental illness face more challenges in life than normal people. As I wrote in my earlier post that life does feed with golden spoon to some people while others have to struggle every moment to sustain their existence. Every day is a new challenge. They do not avail privilege to walk on smooth road; more often they find themselves stuck at some roundabout where they may see opportunities but could not gather enough confidence to pursue them. Life brings options to all but not everyone could avail them.

If I would not have been diagnosed with Bipolar, I might have shared sympathies with people suffering from mental illnesses. I would have felt pity on their destiny and thought life did not do justice to them. I would have thanked God that I’m living a normal life with a tendency to earn as much as I can, to marry the prettiest girl and have beautiful kids.

I’m Bipolar and I still thank God that He created me different and He loves me more that’s why He is testing my patience level. He gave me a tender heart to feel the pain of suffering and an ability to share my experiences with my unknown online friends, in a hope I could heal their wounds a bit. What I’m writing today may not appear as the genuine voice of a mental patient. I went through a great painful set of experiences and tasted quite bitter flavors of depression and fear. Alhumdolillah my every depression cycle ends with a new positive energy and determination to change my destiny. My disease is one of the strongest part of my personality that has been affecting my personal, academic and professional life. But still it’s a Part. It neither defines my personality nor decides my future. I know I will have to carry this disease with entire life but it has to get along with me on my terms.

Workplace Phobia

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Workplace Phobia

Yet again experienced a terrible and disappointing day at workplace. Sadly it was supposed to be my first working day at a new job. Day before yesterday I got the employment letter in evening just after 2 hours interview by Marketing Manager and CEO. It is a growing real estate company having staff of 20 people. I was hired for Digital Marketing. I was not super excited upon getting employment letter at the interview day because it happened earlier as well. Alhumdolillah I get jobs with less effort. It might be my persuasive communication skills or confidence that make them ignore so many job fluctuations on resume which HR people refer as incompetence or inconsistency. I was offered handsome salary and position of Digital Media Manager, which is of course a big thing in an international city and booming real estate industry even for a small broker company. Therefore, my family and friends were super excited upon receiving the news.

I have been doing lot of home work and brainstorming to manipulate my mind for not giving up this time as before. I was fighting with my own obsessive negative thoughts and fears in an attempt to develop a coping strategy against the same workplace phobia that I always experience. I kept on convincing myself that I easily get a job which is a big thing for my friends. It’s just that they keep working regardless work pressure, workplace politics and other hardships; I should learn from them and if I could get over with it, I might be progressing in a faster pace because of my additional knowledge and skills. I had been a bright and teachers-favorite student, always got good grades in comparison to my friends so if they are doing well in their respective fields, why cant I? I just have to fight with anxiety and defeat it this time. I won’t let the anxiety decide my destiny. I reduced 20 Kgs, I look smarter and more presentable than before, there’s nothing that could stop me in keeping this job moving. Most of all I glamorized the job package by associating different financial and social benefits derived from salary and perks.

I was feeling so much tired yesterday while preparing for first day at new job. My body was restless and mind started popping up ifs and buts regarding this job. I had accepted that I’m not fit for corporate culture long time back but kept trying new opportunities and expecting positive results in a hope if it works this time. In morning, I had to put great effort in motivating myself to step out from home and traveled to metro station. It was 2 hours journey to office with growing anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts. As the train moving forward, I felt I’m going away from my peaceful world to hell and will not come back.

I was empty and hollow when I stepped into the office. After 2 hours of painful waiting, I got my work station and a laptop. I started making a rough digital strategy for the real estate company so that I had something concrete to say in first official meeting with boss. At 11 AM when my dad called me, i couldn’t speak properly. I hanged up phone and my mind was preoccupied with severe anxiety and daring crazy thoughts. I bet I was not in that world where everyone else was. That place appeared to be a jail and colleagues were like monsters. The mid-aged man sitting next to me was like an ugly ruthless jailer who just asked “I’m coming to you in a while” Probably he was my reporting authority. I got too much frightened and paranoid that felt like crying. Can’t express that trauma in words.

As soon as he left the room, I didn’t waste any single moment, took my bag, waist pouch, shades and ran away from office without even informing boss. Luckily I had to sign the contract today so I was not abode by any legal obligation.

I will soon write about the lesson I learnt from this experience. And how my apparently failed coping strategy and manipulative brainstorming efforts resulted in giving me a positive energy that made me responded differently this time. I have made few resolutions based on this experience that I would like to share with you in next blog.

People who are struggling hard with their mental illness to find some place among ‘normal people’ in society often face workplace phobia. You are welcome to share your personal experiences.

Thanks for reading.