Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

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I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

Rayan.

 

 

 

 

Bipolar and Physical Body Pains

Bipolar and Body PainHi friends,
I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago. All these years went in a roller coaster ride, finally my meds are stable from the last year. Although I do have anxiety and ocd problem but highs and lows are not that severe. But I still get mood swings which I believe can’t go entirely. in mid 2015 I had severe upper back pain that moves in different areas of upper back. sometimes the pain just disappear as there was no pain at all. then soon it comes back. Earlier I thought it was a mascular pain or some kind of muscle spasm. I applied many creams and took pain killers. There was some kind of relief but pain didn’t go. Then I was diagnosed with Vit D defficiency. my vit D level became less than 3 when i checked last year. I took 3 months course and pain went miraculously. I thought may be it was because of the vit defficiency but sadly pain came back. I got Xray as well but it came normal. It has been two years and still i have pain sensations in different parts of upper back. it goes and comes back. It gets severe when i do some mental activity or due to stress.

In addition to this, I get pain in hips while sitting for longer period of time. my doc prescribed MRI of Lumber Sacral Spine and i was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc disease (DDD) I don’t know whether that is the cause of hip pain because i do not have much pain in lower back. there is just the stiffness in lower back but the actual pain appears in hips while sitting.

I read about the connection between bipolar and phsyical pains. I read about fibromyalgia as well. I read there is a connection between stress, anxiety and body pain. Pain is often psychological. It is connected with our thoughts. I am thinking to do some relaxation exercises now. But i suspect whether a bipolar person with OCD and Anxiety disorder can permanently get rid of stress or disturbing thoughts. I am afraid whether i have to live with these body pains with the rest of my life.

Do you think there is some connection with mental illness and phsyical pains? Did you experience that?

Your feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

Rayan.

OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Defeating the Disease

This is very obvious that people with mental illness face more challenges in life than normal people. As I wrote in my earlier post that life does feed with golden spoon to some people while others have to struggle every moment to sustain their existence. Every day is a new challenge. They do not avail privilege to walk on smooth road; more often they find themselves stuck at some roundabout where they may see opportunities but could not gather enough confidence to pursue them. Life brings options to all but not everyone could avail them.

If I would not have been diagnosed with Bipolar, I might have shared sympathies with people suffering from mental illnesses. I would have felt pity on their destiny and thought life did not do justice to them. I would have thanked God that I’m living a normal life with a tendency to earn as much as I can, to marry the prettiest girl and have beautiful kids.

I’m Bipolar and I still thank God that He created me different and He loves me more that’s why He is testing my patience level. He gave me a tender heart to feel the pain of suffering and an ability to share my experiences with my unknown online friends, in a hope I could heal their wounds a bit. What I’m writing today may not appear as the genuine voice of a mental patient. I went through a great painful set of experiences and tasted quite bitter flavors of depression and fear. Alhumdolillah my every depression cycle ends with a new positive energy and determination to change my destiny. My disease is one of the strongest part of my personality that has been affecting my personal, academic and professional life. But still it’s a Part. It neither defines my personality nor decides my future. I know I will have to carry this disease with entire life but it has to get along with me on my terms.

Workplace Phobia

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Workplace Phobia

Yet again experienced a terrible and disappointing day at workplace. Sadly it was supposed to be my first working day at a new job. Day before yesterday I got the employment letter in evening just after 2 hours interview by Marketing Manager and CEO. It is a growing real estate company having staff of 20 people. I was hired for Digital Marketing. I was not super excited upon getting employment letter at the interview day because it happened earlier as well. Alhumdolillah I get jobs with less effort. It might be my persuasive communication skills or confidence that make them ignore so many job fluctuations on resume which HR people refer as incompetence or inconsistency. I was offered handsome salary and position of Digital Media Manager, which is of course a big thing in an international city and booming real estate industry even for a small broker company. Therefore, my family and friends were super excited upon receiving the news.

I have been doing lot of home work and brainstorming to manipulate my mind for not giving up this time as before. I was fighting with my own obsessive negative thoughts and fears in an attempt to develop a coping strategy against the same workplace phobia that I always experience. I kept on convincing myself that I easily get a job which is a big thing for my friends. It’s just that they keep working regardless work pressure, workplace politics and other hardships; I should learn from them and if I could get over with it, I might be progressing in a faster pace because of my additional knowledge and skills. I had been a bright and teachers-favorite student, always got good grades in comparison to my friends so if they are doing well in their respective fields, why cant I? I just have to fight with anxiety and defeat it this time. I won’t let the anxiety decide my destiny. I reduced 20 Kgs, I look smarter and more presentable than before, there’s nothing that could stop me in keeping this job moving. Most of all I glamorized the job package by associating different financial and social benefits derived from salary and perks.

I was feeling so much tired yesterday while preparing for first day at new job. My body was restless and mind started popping up ifs and buts regarding this job. I had accepted that I’m not fit for corporate culture long time back but kept trying new opportunities and expecting positive results in a hope if it works this time. In morning, I had to put great effort in motivating myself to step out from home and traveled to metro station. It was 2 hours journey to office with growing anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts. As the train moving forward, I felt I’m going away from my peaceful world to hell and will not come back.

I was empty and hollow when I stepped into the office. After 2 hours of painful waiting, I got my work station and a laptop. I started making a rough digital strategy for the real estate company so that I had something concrete to say in first official meeting with boss. At 11 AM when my dad called me, i couldn’t speak properly. I hanged up phone and my mind was preoccupied with severe anxiety and daring crazy thoughts. I bet I was not in that world where everyone else was. That place appeared to be a jail and colleagues were like monsters. The mid-aged man sitting next to me was like an ugly ruthless jailer who just asked “I’m coming to you in a while” Probably he was my reporting authority. I got too much frightened and paranoid that felt like crying. Can’t express that trauma in words.

As soon as he left the room, I didn’t waste any single moment, took my bag, waist pouch, shades and ran away from office without even informing boss. Luckily I had to sign the contract today so I was not abode by any legal obligation.

I will soon write about the lesson I learnt from this experience. And how my apparently failed coping strategy and manipulative brainstorming efforts resulted in giving me a positive energy that made me responded differently this time. I have made few resolutions based on this experience that I would like to share with you in next blog.

People who are struggling hard with their mental illness to find some place among ‘normal people’ in society often face workplace phobia. You are welcome to share your personal experiences.

Thanks for reading.