Finding Fun in Walking

noid-walking_alone

Walking is an effective catharsis and stress relieving therapy. When I used to get out of home with an intention of ‘walking’ as an exercise to reduce/maintain weight (as weight management is one of the most important and painful issues of people with mental problems due to weight gaining tendency by antipsychotic drugs), so I could never motivate myself to step out of home. It seems  like a big issue and I am sure it is a common problem with most of the people who wish and plan to walk for weight reduction. But I adapted a different strategy which is, making my mind to go out and roam around what’s going on there outside my house. Going to the same park daily is of course boring, so I decided to roam and wander on different streets (without my phone and cash, because there is an increased street crime and snatching here). I feel so relaxed without my belongings. Because belongings weigh you down. That’s my experience. Anyway, now I go outside almost daily, with different intentions, sometimes to shop grocery (as I don’t drive because of medical condition so I have to walk) or sometimes to pray in mosque that is far from my house, this is what actually happened today. I walked for Esha prayer in a mosque which is very far from my area, and it was not only praying of course, it also burned my calories. 🙂

So my advice to all of you, especially those who can’t motivate themselves to jog or join gym (because you can’t be regular with gym, that’s my own experience). Go out, just to roam around, watch people, say Hi Hello or in our culture we say Assalam O Alikum, to elder people, they feel happy, you may see smiling kids on streets, you can do some charity too, believe me, such small acts make you feel so contented. and your self esteem raises high, what else do you want? Exercise+Entertainment+Observation+Boost in self-esteem+Weight  management = all in one package !! 🙂

Cheers,

Rayan Ahmed

(P.S. who regularly follow my blog can see the difference in my tone from the last few posts, from depression, i became happy and excited, but for a Bipolar it’s not good to be over excited, so I need to control my happiness too 😉

Desire of novelistic Intimacy

Challenge-of-Intimacy-between-men

I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

Image Source: http://sydneygaycounselling.com/2011/09/challenge-intimacy-men/

Thank You.

After thanking life for blessing me with a disease that made me a writer and inculcate an urge to express to the world, I would like to thank to all of you who read my words and feel the emotions I try to convey here. Getting many followers and likes was never my goal, I know the fact that I’m not a regular blog writer. Thanks for my severe depressive and uncontrolled hypomanic episode that compelled me to open the blog and start writing whatever comes in my mind. Therefore, most of my writings are very impulsive and based on the current set of thoughts and emotions. Today, I opened my blog after a long time and feel so glad to notice the statistics, still my blog is generating some traffic and people can relate to my my views.

Whether you are Bipolar or Homosexual or suffering from Depression, you’re BEAUTIFUL. God loves you. I love you !! and I’m thankful to you for an inspiration to my writing. I will try to be regular and write on topics that you would love to read. There is no great happiness than being a helper or healer or supporter.. Thank You 🙂