Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

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I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

Rayan.

 

 

 

 

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OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Sleepless Nights

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These sleepless nights

Longing for deep rest

The hurting eyes

Burning with dreams

That I never be able to see

For dreams,

One has to sleep,

I see dreams with open eyes

A dream of a peaceful sleep

Few moments to forget my existence

To shed the weight of eyelids

I desire to rest. .

In this long night of winter

I want to escape from

Cold breathes..

I need to shut my mind

To stop the train of

Poignant thoughts

I desire a refuge

In the arms of

this gloomy night.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/health-hazards-linked-lack-sleep/story?id=19555313

Blend of Misery and Blessings

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A few days ago, one of my followers commented on my post No More in Mainstream The comment was “Hope you find beauty in the wilderness” I really like that comment and decided to write a poem on this theme later on. I was just thinking about the phrase and some quick flashes of blessings given by my misery i.e. Bipolar Homosexuality, hit my mind. It is obvious that Bipolar Disorder is a serious painful illness and the sufferer loses his identity in the ongoing periods of highs and lows for the entire life. Low self-esteem, lack of energy, emptiness, and loss of interest in almost every activity of life in the phase of depression lead someone at the point to think about ending his life. And I have gone through it and I do reach to this point quite often in the severe gloomy phases of depression. On the other hand, impulsiveness, inability to make wise decisions, racing thoughts, excessive sex drive, and random actions in the period of Hypomania and psychosis in full manic episode also makes the sufferer at the extreme level of discomfort and instability.

And in my case, if the bipolar man is homosexual, his miseries get even worse. He has to fight with two issues at the same time. In my country and the faith I follow, homosexuality is forbidden. I don’t know about your views (whoever is reading the post) but as I was raised in a system that somehow I also feel homosexuality is not natural (despite I am convinced somewhere inside that it is natural) I don’t know, I am confused. One of the most important thing in Bipolar Homosexuality is ultimate sex craving – imagine, a bipolar who is not married (he doesn’t want to marry because it is a big responsibility and marriages fail due to bipolar illness and secondly he is gay) and also, he is confused about gay sex. Yes, I am talking about myself. In hypomanic or sometimes in psychotic depression phase, when I am dying for sex, abstaining from it makes me absolutely crazy. I talk insane and do things that I regret later. I screw terms with family and friends because I am not satisfied internally.

I have talked enough about the misery i.e. wilderness. Now, I will throw some light on how this combination of Bipolar illness and Homosexuality reward me. Despite all miseries, pain and suffering that this combination brings to me, I am thankful to God for the eyes that see and recognize the beauty in the outside world, the ears that are always available for family and friends to listen to their grievances and stories about their life, work and relationships, a kind heart that melts for the suffering humanity, and most of all He blessed me with a creative and thinking mind. What I write on this blog and what you appreciate is all because of these blessings otherwise I would be doing 10 hours job, have a family and kids to take care of, and got stuck in mundane life routine. I wouldn’t get time to think about big questions of the life, about the world, humanity, and I am certain I would not be able to empathize and sympathize with others.

This bipolarity blessed me with the light and the darkness (both at the same time) to see this world. And my homosexuality empowered me to empathize both the genders, that’s why I respect all genders even transgender and don’t discriminate. Also, I know the misery of a prostitute and the irony of this world which makes her that way. I can relate to the abused victims and all those to whom this world is unfair. Bipolar Homosexuality in a way, takes away my peace but in return, empowers me with traits that ‘normal’ people (those who are not bipolar or homosexual) lack. I am different and I MUST find beauty and peace in my wilderness.

Rayan Ahmed

No more in mainstream

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I’m no more in mainstream

Where the traffic of metropolis flows

There is no mercy left

When the hard wind blows

I wanted to bear lifelong challenges

But my courage betrayed me

I wished to be among the crowd

Alas,

My seclusion left me alone

I wanted to fly high,

With these injured wings,

I swear I tried,

But failed.

When you can’t achieve goals

Why to fake with false hope

Reality is bitter

No need to glitter

With bright hopes

And ambitious dreams

Accept the veracity

Consent your defeat

You’re no more in mainstream

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Europe/Portugal/South/Lisboa/photo1161307.htm

Unfortunate Dreams

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I see no hope in these empty eyes

Once there were shiny dreams

That I saw in good times

All the fantasies remain the fantasy

Those golden dreams

Never became the reality

The fading hope is swapped by

Dark clouds filled with tears

waiting for

ruthless death of courage

it will rain once again

with drops of blood

there will be no gain

accept some more pain

my all dreams will go drained

in the flood

of mere helplessness

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

http://aquasixio.deviantart.com/art/Don-t-trash-your-dreams-323512656

Passion isn’t enough

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Honesty of intentions,

And passion towards goal

To make a difference,

By playing your role

I tell you today,

Passion & honesty isn’t enough

To succeed in life

So what if you’ve potential

No wonder you’re sincere

I agree you want to contribute

And make your own identity

But my dear friend,

Don’t overlook the reality

You’ve a medical condition

That will always hinder your way

Towards your goal & success in life

It’s a lifelong struggle

It will pull you back

Whenever,

You take a step forward

You will be hurt bad

It’s sweet to think high

But my innocent friend,

Hope isn’t enough

To take you to sky

~ Rayan Ahmed ~