Finding Fun in Walking


Walking is an effective catharsis and stress relieving therapy. When I used to get out of home with an intention of ‘walking’ as an exercise to reduce/maintain weight (as weight management is one of the most important and painful issues of people with mental problems due to weight gaining tendency by antipsychotic drugs), so I could never motivate myself to step out of home. It seems  like a big issue and I am sure it is a common problem with most of the people who wish and plan to walk for weight reduction. But I adapted a different strategy which is, making my mind to go out and roam around what’s going on there outside my house. Going to the same park daily is of course boring, so I decided to roam and wander on different streets (without my phone and cash, because there is an increased street crime and snatching here). I feel so relaxed without my belongings. Because belongings weigh you down. That’s my experience. Anyway, now I go outside almost daily, with different intentions, sometimes to shop grocery (as I don’t drive because of medical condition so I have to walk) or sometimes to pray in mosque that is far from my house, this is what actually happened today. I walked for Esha prayer in a mosque which is very far from my area, and it was not only praying of course, it also burned my calories. 🙂

So my advice to all of you, especially those who can’t motivate themselves to jog or join gym (because you can’t be regular with gym, that’s my own experience). Go out, just to roam around, watch people, say Hi Hello or in our culture we say Assalam O Alikum, to elder people, they feel happy, you may see smiling kids on streets, you can do some charity too, believe me, such small acts make you feel so contented. and your self esteem raises high, what else do you want? Exercise+Entertainment+Observation+Boost in self-esteem+Weight  management = all in one package !! 🙂


Rayan Ahmed

(P.S. who regularly follow my blog can see the difference in my tone from the last few posts, from depression, i became happy and excited, but for a Bipolar it’s not good to be over excited, so I need to control my happiness too 😉


Desire of novelistic Intimacy


I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

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Play the Mystery


Enough of whining

Own the ordeal

No more sharing

Of how I feel

I will not open up now

Enough of trust

The end of thirst

Of the companionship

I will not come to you now

There are many masks to wear

When people don’t deserve

What’s the point to be real?

Abandon the fear

Too much of care

Don’t lead anywhere

You have the power

To bliss and shine

Forget the misery

Play the mystery

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Charismatic Virtual Relationships

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

There is a mysterious charm in meeting a stranger online who apparently appears to be of your type. That excitement cannot be described in bare words. We spend hours in talking – asking all those old questions that we keep inquiring new people we meet. It’s truly an awesome experience to know his likes and dislikes. What’s most stimulating is that you don’t have to push the conversation. Everything seems to be flowing like an untamed river. Things seem to be occurring very smoothly in a progressive way.  You feel more motivated if the person appeals you physically as well. In fact if you started talking without seeing the picture (which some people commonly do who believe more in chemistry than mere outer appearance)and later get interested, you become more cautious and concerned about physical attraction from both sides. Therefore, it’s a moment of big relief and celebration if the person appears to be attractive for you and vice versa. You found a dream combination of physical attraction and mental compatibility. What else do you need to pause your search and investing your time and energy to explore prospects and opportunities between you and him?

But we don’t usually wait till that moment. The charm that brought a stirring meaning to talk and know the person fades away with time. We get ‘used to’ of it and the virtual relationship started with a spark is going to end with a casual mundane activity. No more exhilaration left to keep the flame of intimacy burning.

Why does it happen? Why things don’t remain the same between the same people. Is it because we start taking the person for granted? Or our ‘ideal’ in mind keeps us looking for more options to explore. We may also curse internet for providing never-ending opportunities to look for new people. So, obviously sticking with one person would demand too much loyalty. Or we simply don’t want to settle down with one person whatsoever.

Did you ever experience that things appear enchanted in the beginning and lose their magic when we accomplish them?  Why do distant objects seemed unattainable tempt us more? Why the journey towards goal is more sensational than the goal itself? Maybe we always want to keep moving around the shadow of our dream ideals. The shadow, which requires light of attractive people for its survival in the darkness of our never-ending desires.


Do You Enjoy your own Company?


You are beautiful

We normally depend on others for the sake of our own happiness. Seeking attention and making deliberate efforts to gain attention is an example when we expect others to accept or appreciate us. Often high expectations from others lead to great disappointments and eventually bad mood and in severe cases, depression.

Just imagine,why would anyone love your company when you don’t enjoy it yourself? That means there is something you get to do or let say, change/alter at your end. By taking small steps daily, we can easily adapt a self-dependent lifestyle.

1- Explore your Interests: Most of the people don’t love their full-time job and don’t get enough time to pursue hobbies that they enjoy the most. Try to spend some time daily in activities that you love doing. Work that requires physical activity or hand involvement is the best option. You can explore writing, reading, photography, gardening, cooking, dancing, crafts; anything for which you don’t have to motivate yourself. It should be something that you’re always up to.

2- Limit the Use of Electronic Gadgets: One of the reason of increasing depression today is high media consumption. It’s better to play outdoor games than computer games. Visiting a friend or calling him at your place for coffee is good socializing than Facebook or twitter.

3- Exposure to Nature: Living in a metropolitan city could be quite hectic. Therefore, exposing yourself to natural environment plays a soothing effect on your nerves and enhances your mood. Go out for a walk once a week if you can’t manage daily. If you don’t find a park in your area, just have tea or coffee in your balcony or rooftop. That 10-15 minutes would be sufficient to make you relax.

4- Volunteer Work: Giving is always better than taking. Giving back to society by helping people gives great satisfaction. There can be several ways of doing that. Join some NGO to support the cause you relate to or participate in online support groups. Time that you spend in humanitarian work boost up your own self-esteem and a give you a sense of achievement.

5- Groom Yourself: Nobody is perfect. I don’t support perfection but I believe in constant learning and improving. Internet is a blessing for those who can make a good use of it. Make your best friend. If you’ve any query or doubt, open your browser and get access to several answers and opinions on that. You can read articles on your favorite subjects, for instance, I love psychology and personality development, so I like to search on these topics. If you love cooking, you can find several recipes of different cuisines online. Moreover, internet can also help you overcome your shortcomings. Just type your problem on Google search bar and unlock endless ways to become a better person.

Finally, keep reminding yourself that God made you awesome not perfect. Don’t waste your time in pleasing others for acceptance or begging for their love and time. Someone who is meant for you will come at the right time and will love you as you’re. Because, you’re already a great person. You just need to realize it. 🙂

Blessings be upon you.


Thank You.

After thanking life for blessing me with a disease that made me a writer and inculcate an urge to express to the world, I would like to thank to all of you who read my words and feel the emotions I try to convey here. Getting many followers and likes was never my goal, I know the fact that I’m not a regular blog writer. Thanks for my severe depressive and uncontrolled hypomanic episode that compelled me to open the blog and start writing whatever comes in my mind. Therefore, most of my writings are very impulsive and based on the current set of thoughts and emotions. Today, I opened my blog after a long time and feel so glad to notice the statistics, still my blog is generating some traffic and people can relate to my my views.

Whether you are Bipolar or Homosexual or suffering from Depression, you’re BEAUTIFUL. God loves you. I love you !! and I’m thankful to you for an inspiration to my writing. I will try to be regular and write on topics that you would love to read. There is no great happiness than being a helper or healer or supporter.. Thank You 🙂 

Bipolar Gay having Hypersexuality

It is ironic to be a bipolar gay especially in my conservative society where sharing your feelings is far difficult so you can’t expect the positive acceptance in society you’re living in. Resulting, the person has to suffer from depression and loneliness due to lack of healthy opportunities of self exposure and the dream to live a life based on truth never come true. Sex is an important biological need of a living organism and when it comes to human; they find partners for relationships that may be based on intimacy and love bonding. There’s an easy way for straight people who get married and have a long term relationship that is accepted by the society. On contrary gay men have to satisfy their sexual need in hidden way without having any legal contract or written relationship agreement. I won’t talk about gay marriages because it is not practiced or accepted in most of the cultures.

When it comes to bipolar patients, I read that manic episode brings increased sexual desires and some people go for inappropriate ways and indulge them in risky behaviors. Married bipolar people enjoy this period as they and their partners both have great sexual pleasure and intimacy whereas bipolar gay men have to find their partners for sex if they don’t have boy friends. Most of them don’t live together so they have to arrange place as well.

Then there are some idiots like me, who are bipolar homosexual and waiting for Mr. Right because they don’t feel comfortable in doing sex with random people. For me, friendship, understanding and compatibility is more important before jumping into the bed. And that’s the reason I have to suffer. I have joined a gay social website but it is more of a hooking platform where you put your nude pix and get your desired body to make love. And in most of the cases this relationship lasts only in bed.

I suffered from serious mania 4 months back and it took me so much time to recover and ironically I got into severe depression as soon as my mania ended. I was on heavy dose of anti-psychotic medicine in mania therefore, my libido was decreased and I didn’t think of having sex in that span but as I stopped that medicine and re-adjust my dose, I stepped into hypersexuality – increased sexual desire. I don’t have any boy friend and never got convinced to have sex with random people so I have been suffering with great depression, feeling lonely and deprived. It is difficult to avoid something that is among your basic need. And not satisfying it brings you frustration and lack of concentration in your daily activities. I heard gay people are always ready for sex but I don’t believe this because I don’t get desperate for sex all the time. It is my fluctuating moods and medicines that change my desires.

Sometime I wonder how challenging it is to be bipolar gay living in a conservative society where you have you fight with your desires and at times you can’t share with people your reason for frustration and emptiness.