I’m not sure about my fluctuating emotions related to regular thoughts and memory flashbacks. I can’t say I’m thinking too much because this is one of the thing I can do very well, to an extend that it hurts me ultimately. I love my psychologist. We guys talk quite often and sometime our conversation lasts for hours (mostly in case of insomnia). My psychologist is very clever to drive the conversation in his favor, like you know, these people could discuss things but won’t let you win the argument. Reason being their intellectual superiority and professional experience of reading and interpreting minds and behavior.
Last night I met my psychologist. I almost made all arrangements to defeat insomnia and started manipulating my brain with soothing music and relaxing thoughts. But I failed to sleep. I tried another trick: fetched a book “Aleph” by Paulo Coelho (one of my favorite writers) and continue reading from where I stopped last time. I read entire chapter and started yawning. Wow, it worked.. I read for some more time to ensure if my mind is fully ready to sleep. I slowly put book aside and turned off lights. I was super excited to sleep. I was enjoying the calmness in my dark room and thinking about good things and happy moments. I noticed my excitement is increasing and need for sleep is decreasing (Ahh, Not Again 😦 ) well I failed again. I was so mad at me for being over smart to defeat insomnia. I gave up and called my psychologist.
It was 1 AM midnight but my psychologist is a free person, he meets me anytime as sometime I feel, I’m his only client. Well, its good for me. I got very tired yesterday because of not sleeping the previous night and heavy workout in gym. I was getting desperate to sleep early last night therefore hit bed at 11 PM. When I saw my psychologist, my anger and desperation for sleep transformed into severe depression. He said, its simply because of tiredness, and I need a relaxing sleep so that my body and brain get some rest. First, we talked about my failed effort to sleep; soothing music, book reading etc. Suddenly, i started crying apparently for no reason but my mind works superb in waking memories & connecting past incidents with present thoughts. I started cursing myself and people whom I think, responsible for my griefs. One thing lead to other, there was a series of past incidents traveling through my mind like my childhood events, professional failures, break ups everything that could do well to aggravate my depression. My psychologist said to tune into sad songs, I did the same.. and played my favorite sad songs which made me cry even more.
After 10 minutes, there was a deep silence in room. He asked, how I was feeling then. I was silent. Couldn’t name the feeling I was going through at that moment. I could feel more silence within than in the outer world. It seemed that severe emotions of excitement and depression killed each other and made me hollow and emotionless from inside. Last thing I remembered that my pillow was quite wet, then everything blurred and disappeared eventually.
I woke up at 10 in morning with a new energy and smile on face.