Thank You.

After thanking life for blessing me with a disease that made me a writer and inculcate an urge to express to the world, I would like to thank to all of you who read my words and feel the emotions I try to convey here. Getting many followers and likes was never my goal, I know the fact that I’m not a regular blog writer. Thanks for my severe depressive and uncontrolled hypomanic episode that compelled me to open the blog and start writing whatever comes in my mind. Therefore, most of my writings are very impulsive and based on the current set of thoughts and emotions. Today, I opened my blog after a long time and feel so glad to notice the statistics, still my blog is generating some traffic and people can relate to my my views.

Whether you are Bipolar or Homosexual or suffering from Depression, you’re BEAUTIFUL. God loves you. I love you !! and I’m thankful to you for an inspiration to my writing. I will try to be regular and write on topics that you would love to read. There is no great happiness than being a helper or healer or supporter.. Thank You 🙂 

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WOW I wanna do this – Hell NO, I Hate it

Almost everyone has mood swings taking place in different situations but bipolar mood swings could be highly unpredictable and dangerous at the same time. My good mood makes the world so attractive for me that every little thing catches my attention, the world becomes so beautiful that it makes me thankful to God for sending me here and for His countless blessings. Interestingly, every hobby inspires me. I always like to have an aquarium at home but unfortunately my fish die very soon for the unknown reasons, knowing this fact I insisted again to get an aquarium and bought a small one few months back (when I was Hypomanic) I decorated it with plants and toys and put a pair of goldfish. I was properly taking care with their feed and oxygen and loved watching them swimming in water. I heard looking at aquarium lowers down your blood pressure and it is healthy for your brain because of a relaxing effects. But my excitement didn’t last for long and both of the fish died in 3-4 days. This made me realized that I couldn’t keep an aquarium and my interest that was so high in keeping an aquarium shifted to decorate the house with beautiful paintings and decoration pieces. I insisted to get some plants for balcony and stairs. In the same phase I enjoyed reading, talking to friends, traveling, dining out. These things make hypomania very exciting and adventurous but unfortunately my elevated mood lead to manic episode and I lost my consciousness and collapsed. Thankfully I wasn’t hospitalized this time and I recovered at home with high dose of medications. 

Three months later this mania turns into depression and I lost interest in almost everything including eating and talking to my family. Same life that was so beautiful few days ago becomes horrible and meaningless though things didn’t change that much. Only my inner state of mind was changed. Most often it happens that things that are attractive in happy mood lose their value in depression. Same happens with the decisions that you take in one episode appear foolish when you are no longer in that mood. And the cycle goes on like this.

I think stability is something that a bipolar cannot achieve in life. However he is blessed and very lucky if he has got control on his mood swings through medicines and lifestyle changes. We shouldn’t give up on this and keep moving in a flow, and should not get depress or blame ourselves. Explore yourself and look for good things that differentiate you from others rather comparing and lowering your self esteem.

Keep smiling, it doesn’t cost you 🙂 

Bipolar Gay having Hypersexuality

It is ironic to be a bipolar gay especially in my conservative society where sharing your feelings is far difficult so you can’t expect the positive acceptance in society you’re living in. Resulting, the person has to suffer from depression and loneliness due to lack of healthy opportunities of self exposure and the dream to live a life based on truth never come true. Sex is an important biological need of a living organism and when it comes to human; they find partners for relationships that may be based on intimacy and love bonding. There’s an easy way for straight people who get married and have a long term relationship that is accepted by the society. On contrary gay men have to satisfy their sexual need in hidden way without having any legal contract or written relationship agreement. I won’t talk about gay marriages because it is not practiced or accepted in most of the cultures.

When it comes to bipolar patients, I read that manic episode brings increased sexual desires and some people go for inappropriate ways and indulge them in risky behaviors. Married bipolar people enjoy this period as they and their partners both have great sexual pleasure and intimacy whereas bipolar gay men have to find their partners for sex if they don’t have boy friends. Most of them don’t live together so they have to arrange place as well.

Then there are some idiots like me, who are bipolar homosexual and waiting for Mr. Right because they don’t feel comfortable in doing sex with random people. For me, friendship, understanding and compatibility is more important before jumping into the bed. And that’s the reason I have to suffer. I have joined a gay social website but it is more of a hooking platform where you put your nude pix and get your desired body to make love. And in most of the cases this relationship lasts only in bed.

I suffered from serious mania 4 months back and it took me so much time to recover and ironically I got into severe depression as soon as my mania ended. I was on heavy dose of anti-psychotic medicine in mania therefore, my libido was decreased and I didn’t think of having sex in that span but as I stopped that medicine and re-adjust my dose, I stepped into hypersexuality – increased sexual desire. I don’t have any boy friend and never got convinced to have sex with random people so I have been suffering with great depression, feeling lonely and deprived. It is difficult to avoid something that is among your basic need. And not satisfying it brings you frustration and lack of concentration in your daily activities. I heard gay people are always ready for sex but I don’t believe this because I don’t get desperate for sex all the time. It is my fluctuating moods and medicines that change my desires.

Sometime I wonder how challenging it is to be bipolar gay living in a conservative society where you have you fight with your desires and at times you can’t share with people your reason for frustration and emptiness. 

First Day After Depression Ends

Bipolar sufferers know the importance of day when they realize they are retaining back their energy and having a mood elevation. They soon get aware of this when they suddenly take a new photo from mobile to upload on Facebook or they start listening fast tracks and dance numbers. Interestingly, these are the very next moments after the severe depression attacks when you completely lost interest in life and even get suicidal thoughts. everything seems meaningless and you see no options in life. This is the beauty of bipolar that sets it apart from regular depression.

When bipolar depression ends it makes life so beautiful and you start flying in sky despite knowing that your problems are still there. You resume your leisure interests like writers start writing and painters give colors to their dark paintings. Shadows of disappointments fade away and bright rainbow appears in your mind and thoughts. It gives you a meaning and new motivation to life. You set new goals and make resolutions. You feel blessed and thank God. Everything seems so beautiful however everything is just same as that in your depression phase. Its just that your dark glasses of disappointment are now replaced with colorful bright lenses that show your world awesome.

Hypomania & Spirituality

People do experience strange things including confused thoughts in hypomania. Bipolar patient who is suffering from hypomanic episode may not be able to figure out this confused state of mind due to the raised and disturbed energy level, impulsiveness and other episode symptoms and psychotic features.

For instance, bipolar experiences spiritual-awakening in hypomania and he gets closer to God and His divine powers. In this state of mind he gets high alert and notices ‘signs’ in his daily activities. This happens due to increased focus and alertness towards environment that made him relate every thought, saying, experience, happening, incident to himself in some way or the other. Music, television drama, cinema or even Facebook news feed communicate directly to him and he perceives some message from the content of media. However this message is not always true. It may happen due to spiritual awakening in hypomanic episode.

It is important to know that these incidents and content of media has always been happening in the same way earlier too but in normal state of mind, patient doesn’t pay much attention to it, resulting he receives such messages casually and doesn’t perceive any meaning. The bombardment of messages from environment and media has always been there but hypomania makes a person more alert and responsive so he takes the information in a strange way and perceives different meanings relating to his life and people in his circle.

If we take it in the religious context then we would be surprised to know that bipolar disease has some connection with religiosity of a patient. People who suffer from bipolar may get closer to religion and divinity to seek help from Almighty God. It helps them manages his mood swings by following religious teachings and practices. In hypomania, patient regards these signs as the message of God and he therefore makes his belief strengthened in Holy teachings. He thinks that God is showing him the right path by directly communicating to him. As I experienced all this is my recent hypomanic episode, I could conclude it that when God chooses you to show the right path then He enlightens your soul and include you among His beloved ones.

If you see something happening according to your wish even before you make any effort for its pursuit you feel blessed and you think God is with you. Similarly, when you have faith in divine, superior powers, you perceive it as God is making your journey easier by guiding you. And this thought gives you a great feeling of happiness and pride that you are special. 

Sprituality & Mental Diseases

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Dua (Pray)

I know it is a sensitive topic because mostly modern, liberal and educated people, don’t believe in spirituality or divine powers. I have been a firm believer and always seeking help from Almighty Allah. Although I have some questions that would never be answered about the existence of God because we are living in scientific age and we always look for logic to get convinced. A person who believes in science and things that we could feel from his five senses, may not taste and enjoy the flavor of spirituality. We ought to have a firm belief before we wish to see the miracles around us.

I recently experienced a gigantic manic episode with scary psychotic features. It was the similar thing that happened in March 2007 when I was in final year at university and ended up being hospitalized for 17 days, but I just remember 3 days of hospitalization because I had lost consciousness due to severe nervous breakdown.

The immense energy that comes with full fledge mania is enough to make us psychotic, with racing thoughts, high pitch and volume, irritability, anger, speedy talking but this time I experienced Aleph. Those who have read Paulo Coelho ‘s book Aleph , would better understand my situation. I went to another world when I could see and listen things that people sitting next to me couldn’t experience. They were same television drama, sound tracks, and jingles but I could relate each and every word to it with some big or small event of my life or people related to me. I experienced the moment when  TV characters were speaking to me.  I listened to Spiritual music that took me in a trance. I was able to see ‘Signs’ that were guiding me what to do and how to do.

This happens in Hypo/mania but this episode made me closer to God. I prayed 5 times and cried out loud. I asked Allah if He gave me extra ordinary powers and energy to change the world and if these signs tell me that I have a purpose to live. Then He must give me courage to absorb this energy and help people suffering by supporting them and sharing my experiences.

Alhumdolillah, I’m normal now and the phase is over, I know I will get depressive and manic episodes again and I have to continue my medications, But next time, I will get closer to Allah and ask for His help. He created me and He gave me this disease, so there must be a reason that I have yet to find. And interestingly I’m waiting for my next Aleph 🙂

Bipolar Insomnia

Bipolar Insomnia is quite interesting. When a person suffers from insomnia in hypo/mania, he can get good sleep in depression. It’s strange to experience loss of sleep when you’re too excited and happy. Otherwise most of people have calm and relaxing sleep under the shadow of satisfaction. In addition to this, a person who is stressed and worried is unlikely to sleep peacefully but depression for bipolar sometime appear as blessing when it makes the depressed stick to his bed.

It’s true that Sometime insomnia occurs in severe depression as well. In that case, depression would not be a desired option to fall asleep. Luckily my depression gives me a good night sleep for 10 or more hours but the roller coaster mood swings and frequent depression cycles make me less fortunate to enjoy the full privilege of Bipolar insomnia.