Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

bipolar-obsessive-racing-thoughts

I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

Rayan.

 

 

 

 

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Being Desirable

Dr, Asma Jamal Prescription.jpg

When you desire,

you become vulnerable

more intense the desire

more severe the vulnerability

and

less chances to save

your self-esteem and dignity

But,

When you become desirable

no matter how artificial

and pretentious it is..

you give a boost to your ego

no matter how shallow

and fragile it is..

you become less bothered

and unconcerned

that made you a chooser

you overcome the hidden

monster of vulnerability

and you become free

of all chaos and demons

that lies within.

~Rayan Ahmed~

Image source: https://www.wlbfineart.com/relationships/

Sleepless Nights

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These sleepless nights

Longing for deep rest

The hurting eyes

Burning with dreams

That I never be able to see

For dreams,

One has to sleep,

I see dreams with open eyes

A dream of a peaceful sleep

Few moments to forget my existence

To shed the weight of eyelids

I desire to rest. .

In this long night of winter

I want to escape from

Cold breathes..

I need to shut my mind

To stop the train of

Poignant thoughts

I desire a refuge

In the arms of

this gloomy night.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/health-hazards-linked-lack-sleep/story?id=19555313

Desire of novelistic Intimacy

Challenge-of-Intimacy-between-men

I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

Image Source: http://sydneygaycounselling.com/2011/09/challenge-intimacy-men/

Blend of Misery and Blessings

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A few days ago, one of my followers commented on my post No More in Mainstream The comment was “Hope you find beauty in the wilderness” I really like that comment and decided to write a poem on this theme later on. I was just thinking about the phrase and some quick flashes of blessings given by my misery i.e. Bipolar Homosexuality, hit my mind. It is obvious that Bipolar Disorder is a serious painful illness and the sufferer loses his identity in the ongoing periods of highs and lows for the entire life. Low self-esteem, lack of energy, emptiness, and loss of interest in almost every activity of life in the phase of depression lead someone at the point to think about ending his life. And I have gone through it and I do reach to this point quite often in the severe gloomy phases of depression. On the other hand, impulsiveness, inability to make wise decisions, racing thoughts, excessive sex drive, and random actions in the period of Hypomania and psychosis in full manic episode also makes the sufferer at the extreme level of discomfort and instability.

And in my case, if the bipolar man is homosexual, his miseries get even worse. He has to fight with two issues at the same time. In my country and the faith I follow, homosexuality is forbidden. I don’t know about your views (whoever is reading the post) but as I was raised in a system that somehow I also feel homosexuality is not natural (despite I am convinced somewhere inside that it is natural) I don’t know, I am confused. One of the most important thing in Bipolar Homosexuality is ultimate sex craving – imagine, a bipolar who is not married (he doesn’t want to marry because it is a big responsibility and marriages fail due to bipolar illness and secondly he is gay) and also, he is confused about gay sex. Yes, I am talking about myself. In hypomanic or sometimes in psychotic depression phase, when I am dying for sex, abstaining from it makes me absolutely crazy. I talk insane and do things that I regret later. I screw terms with family and friends because I am not satisfied internally.

I have talked enough about the misery i.e. wilderness. Now, I will throw some light on how this combination of Bipolar illness and Homosexuality reward me. Despite all miseries, pain and suffering that this combination brings to me, I am thankful to God for the eyes that see and recognize the beauty in the outside world, the ears that are always available for family and friends to listen to their grievances and stories about their life, work and relationships, a kind heart that melts for the suffering humanity, and most of all He blessed me with a creative and thinking mind. What I write on this blog and what you appreciate is all because of these blessings otherwise I would be doing 10 hours job, have a family and kids to take care of, and got stuck in mundane life routine. I wouldn’t get time to think about big questions of the life, about the world, humanity, and I am certain I would not be able to empathize and sympathize with others.

This bipolarity blessed me with the light and the darkness (both at the same time) to see this world. And my homosexuality empowered me to empathize both the genders, that’s why I respect all genders even transgender and don’t discriminate. Also, I know the misery of a prostitute and the irony of this world which makes her that way. I can relate to the abused victims and all those to whom this world is unfair. Bipolar Homosexuality in a way, takes away my peace but in return, empowers me with traits that ‘normal’ people (those who are not bipolar or homosexual) lack. I am different and I MUST find beauty and peace in my wilderness.

Rayan Ahmed

Gay Rights Demand Homosexual Dignity

Honor is a Gentleman's trait.

Honor is a Gentleman’s trait.

I wish we would be as willing to warmly regard and express our inner beauty and kindness as we feel free to reveal our bodies to strangers. I feel deep sorrow while scrolling profile images on social networking site/app. There are several people contented to display their full or half naked seductive body pictures. I realize they are normal, decent and educated people like me in their real lives. They carry a sober and sophisticated image in their respective social circle. Then why that dignified image is not carried or accepted on gay social networking sites? Why does a person need to put his personal or a fake arousing photo to catch the attention of public? A person is a lot more than his physical body stats, his size and his role in bed. We act quite decently in real life; have a family, regular friends to hang around, colleagues to work with, hence a complete social life, where we act as a human being not gay or straight. People know us and accept us with our good and bad.

The reason for acting seductive on social sites is quite obvious. Most of us go there when in need of quick sex commonly known as a hook up. Who would want to go through the hassle of knowing the person when the superficial contact is merely meant to last for few hours or a night at the most?

I do not judge them for their actions. They have chosen a different fashion to spend life and fulfill desires. I just feel disgusted because I’m also a part of the community. I visit the site in hope to get a good company. I don’t even deny my sexual desires. But when I look at those hungry faces and greedy gestures, I truly feel embarrassed of myself. Every human being irrespective of his dynamics and background is equally respectful. No one can deny the existence of body needs and biological desires. But their pursuit shouldn’t be materialized on the cost of the human dignity and self-worth. There must be other appropriate ways to attract partner, which don’t compel us to put our naked bodies on the market shelves.

Ironically, we carry two public profiles: a decent one for real world and other slutty one for an apparently ‘fake’ community (which is in fact our real identity). Aren’t they reflecting our dual standards and hypocrisy? We can deceive anyone by our smartness but cannot lie to our conscience – the most honest accountability of the self.

Today, when there is a worldwide movement launched for gay rights and equal acceptance, it’s high time to rethink and critically analyze our practices. If we want our place in society with honor, we should take responsibility for our personal as well as sexual observance and display the conduct to prove that homosexuals are not different from straight people. We are not defined by our sexual desires. We also follow principles of morality. We regard ourselves and our fellow men with high esteem. And above all, homosexuality is a part of our personality, much higher than that, we are equal human beings.

Charismatic Virtual Relationships

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

There is a mysterious charm in meeting a stranger online who apparently appears to be of your type. That excitement cannot be described in bare words. We spend hours in talking – asking all those old questions that we keep inquiring new people we meet. It’s truly an awesome experience to know his likes and dislikes. What’s most stimulating is that you don’t have to push the conversation. Everything seems to be flowing like an untamed river. Things seem to be occurring very smoothly in a progressive way.  You feel more motivated if the person appeals you physically as well. In fact if you started talking without seeing the picture (which some people commonly do who believe more in chemistry than mere outer appearance)and later get interested, you become more cautious and concerned about physical attraction from both sides. Therefore, it’s a moment of big relief and celebration if the person appears to be attractive for you and vice versa. You found a dream combination of physical attraction and mental compatibility. What else do you need to pause your search and investing your time and energy to explore prospects and opportunities between you and him?

But we don’t usually wait till that moment. The charm that brought a stirring meaning to talk and know the person fades away with time. We get ‘used to’ of it and the virtual relationship started with a spark is going to end with a casual mundane activity. No more exhilaration left to keep the flame of intimacy burning.

Why does it happen? Why things don’t remain the same between the same people. Is it because we start taking the person for granted? Or our ‘ideal’ in mind keeps us looking for more options to explore. We may also curse internet for providing never-ending opportunities to look for new people. So, obviously sticking with one person would demand too much loyalty. Or we simply don’t want to settle down with one person whatsoever.

Did you ever experience that things appear enchanted in the beginning and lose their magic when we accomplish them?  Why do distant objects seemed unattainable tempt us more? Why the journey towards goal is more sensational than the goal itself? Maybe we always want to keep moving around the shadow of our dream ideals. The shadow, which requires light of attractive people for its survival in the darkness of our never-ending desires.

Rayan.