Being Desirable

Dr, Asma Jamal Prescription.jpg

When you desire,

you become vulnerable

more intense the desire

more severe the vulnerability

and

less chances to save

your self-esteem and dignity

But,

When you become desirable

no matter how artificial

and pretentious it is..

you give a boost to your ego

no matter how shallow

and fragile it is..

you become less bothered

and unconcerned

that made you a chooser

you overcome the hidden

monster of vulnerability

and you become free

of all chaos and demons

that lies within.

~Rayan Ahmed~

Image source: https://www.wlbfineart.com/relationships/

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Charismatic Virtual Relationships

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

There is a mysterious charm in meeting a stranger online who apparently appears to be of your type. That excitement cannot be described in bare words. We spend hours in talking – asking all those old questions that we keep inquiring new people we meet. It’s truly an awesome experience to know his likes and dislikes. What’s most stimulating is that you don’t have to push the conversation. Everything seems to be flowing like an untamed river. Things seem to be occurring very smoothly in a progressive way.  You feel more motivated if the person appeals you physically as well. In fact if you started talking without seeing the picture (which some people commonly do who believe more in chemistry than mere outer appearance)and later get interested, you become more cautious and concerned about physical attraction from both sides. Therefore, it’s a moment of big relief and celebration if the person appears to be attractive for you and vice versa. You found a dream combination of physical attraction and mental compatibility. What else do you need to pause your search and investing your time and energy to explore prospects and opportunities between you and him?

But we don’t usually wait till that moment. The charm that brought a stirring meaning to talk and know the person fades away with time. We get ‘used to’ of it and the virtual relationship started with a spark is going to end with a casual mundane activity. No more exhilaration left to keep the flame of intimacy burning.

Why does it happen? Why things don’t remain the same between the same people. Is it because we start taking the person for granted? Or our ‘ideal’ in mind keeps us looking for more options to explore. We may also curse internet for providing never-ending opportunities to look for new people. So, obviously sticking with one person would demand too much loyalty. Or we simply don’t want to settle down with one person whatsoever.

Did you ever experience that things appear enchanted in the beginning and lose their magic when we accomplish them?  Why do distant objects seemed unattainable tempt us more? Why the journey towards goal is more sensational than the goal itself? Maybe we always want to keep moving around the shadow of our dream ideals. The shadow, which requires light of attractive people for its survival in the darkness of our never-ending desires.

Rayan.

Bipolar Gay having Hypersexuality

It is ironic to be a bipolar gay especially in my conservative society where sharing your feelings is far difficult so you can’t expect the positive acceptance in society you’re living in. Resulting, the person has to suffer from depression and loneliness due to lack of healthy opportunities of self exposure and the dream to live a life based on truth never come true. Sex is an important biological need of a living organism and when it comes to human; they find partners for relationships that may be based on intimacy and love bonding. There’s an easy way for straight people who get married and have a long term relationship that is accepted by the society. On contrary gay men have to satisfy their sexual need in hidden way without having any legal contract or written relationship agreement. I won’t talk about gay marriages because it is not practiced or accepted in most of the cultures.

When it comes to bipolar patients, I read that manic episode brings increased sexual desires and some people go for inappropriate ways and indulge them in risky behaviors. Married bipolar people enjoy this period as they and their partners both have great sexual pleasure and intimacy whereas bipolar gay men have to find their partners for sex if they don’t have boy friends. Most of them don’t live together so they have to arrange place as well.

Then there are some idiots like me, who are bipolar homosexual and waiting for Mr. Right because they don’t feel comfortable in doing sex with random people. For me, friendship, understanding and compatibility is more important before jumping into the bed. And that’s the reason I have to suffer. I have joined a gay social website but it is more of a hooking platform where you put your nude pix and get your desired body to make love. And in most of the cases this relationship lasts only in bed.

I suffered from serious mania 4 months back and it took me so much time to recover and ironically I got into severe depression as soon as my mania ended. I was on heavy dose of anti-psychotic medicine in mania therefore, my libido was decreased and I didn’t think of having sex in that span but as I stopped that medicine and re-adjust my dose, I stepped into hypersexuality – increased sexual desire. I don’t have any boy friend and never got convinced to have sex with random people so I have been suffering with great depression, feeling lonely and deprived. It is difficult to avoid something that is among your basic need. And not satisfying it brings you frustration and lack of concentration in your daily activities. I heard gay people are always ready for sex but I don’t believe this because I don’t get desperate for sex all the time. It is my fluctuating moods and medicines that change my desires.

Sometime I wonder how challenging it is to be bipolar gay living in a conservative society where you have you fight with your desires and at times you can’t share with people your reason for frustration and emptiness. 

For Some People Life is actually Bed of Roses

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Hoping for Happiness

We get to see many examples of people living a peaceful and comfortable life.. a life that we always wished for. We envy our friends when we find them enjoying moments that we always desired. Yes, I realize that they have their own problems and they are fighting with some other issues which I can’t see.
What is a comfortable lifestyle? Nice furnished apartment near by some beautiful beach, a luxurious car, Good job with handsome salary package and perks, Branded clothes & shoes, Foreign vacation trips and so on. Now If I ask define Happiness. You may have different answers. It might be your success in exam or a job promotion, a positive reply to a marriage proposal or news of first pregnancy.

At some point comfort and happiness overlap and share the same moments. Obviously I would be happy to lead a comfortable life. Or a comfortable lifestyle would cherish me with happiness. This is a typical situation that fits with a majority. A majority of normal people, who takes a degree, struggles for job stability, get married and have a smooth life (of course with usual life problems). Then there are people who are not normal like them. They follow the same life patterns, study, work, family, but they always get stuck for ages on each stage. In fact their struggle never come to an end even when they enter into next phase of life. Each day for them brings a great challenge than an opportunity. They are not always short of cash or family love. They do have friends and a lifestyle. They live a decent life and  participate in daily activities. But they have to fight for their survival. Their enemy is not an external force, ironically their own self, thoughts and emotions are their biggest enemy.

When they see their friends living a normal life with their spouses and kids, they ask God, what was their fault? why they were punished with such unrest? They studied well, they have good aptitude, they are equal to normal people in intelligence. Then why they can’t excel in career like others. They are sensitive and loving, and when they see others enjoying with loved ones, they look up at sky and think if they could ever get a loving and understanding life partner who would take them as they are.

This comfort and happiness is not available at any price in market. The feeling when you have everything and still empty from inside. When others envy you for what you have and you wish for a good night sleep without any pills.