Bipolar and Changing Jobs

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Two things have been bothering me since my adulthood; relationship issues and career uncertainty. Today I will talk about career issues. In my earlier post, I discussed how bipolar person struggles to keep a steady job. I wrote that post in 2013 and my situation isn’t very different from then. Although I did have a job lasted for 2 years between 2016 and 2018 and also I taught in a university for one-semester fall 2014, but I am standing in a middle to nowhere again.

Getting a job and having a steady career are two different things. You can secure a job after passing an interview and on the basis of your qualification, work experience, and your skills and potential but you do not necessarily possess skills to keep that job and work consistently with the same interest that you had while joining the job. That’s exactly happened to me. I did get jobs in different positions and in various industries but couldn’t sustain it. I don’t blame the external factors that lead to quitting the job but the root cause is my own self i.e. changing interest. Soon after working for some months, I lose interest in that work area and get a strong impulse and temptation to step into some other field. The impulse is so strong that I couldn’t ignore it. I never get satisfied with the work which I do in a particular job position. And this cycle continues.

The Impulse to Teach

One of the impulses has been of teaching which was very consistent throughout these years. I taught at an online university for two years and also in a conventional university for one semester (6 months). I really enjoyed working in the online university as it suited to my changing moods. There, I didn’t have to face the audience and there was very limited online interaction with colleagues. Most of the work was done independently. But I never appreciated that work while serving there. During that tenure, I always looked for other opportunities to volunteer in NGOs and youth development and training field. Then suddenly I got a job offer from a pharmaceutical company as Assistant Manager – Social Media, and I joined it without even thinking twice. My Pdoc said that job was best for me and I also realized that later on.

Working with the conventional university was a wonderful experience but it was stressful. I served there for 6 months and hypomania got triggered during that time. Because I had to speak for 3 hours for delivering lectures and there was too much physical interaction with students. I was also bothered by the traveling because it was the evening class and the traffic was unbearable.

The impulse to Work in Development Sector

Another impulse has been working with some NGO in non-profit, development sector. I tried that too by volunteering in an NGO working against Child Abuse. I volunteered for 2 years and then realized that there was no substantial outcome of the efforts. The core activities of NGO was limited to organizing walks, protests, carnivals and workshop on the same topic. Somehow I felt that most of the NGOs exist just to glorify the ‘ social issue’ and gain public sympathy in form of grants and the society doesn’t gain any substantial and quantifiable results out of their efforts. That’s my personal viewpoint which I derived from my experience and observation. I am sure not all of the civil rights organizations and NGOs are like that.

So I tried both the options which tempt me so much that I quit my jobs, i.e. teaching and working in the development sector and left it on my own wish. Interestingly I still get such impulses.

Not Interested in Corporate World

One thing is for sure that I do not want to work in the corporate world. I think it is a kind of modern slavery. During my corporate jobs, I always thought what I was contributing to the world by serving to these corporate companies. Of course I was getting paid for my work and the business was contributing to the economy but still, I felt that I should not serve to the corporate system. It doesn’t mean, I was not good at my work. My employers were happy with my work and they were aware of my potential. I was the one who left the jobs, they did not kick me out.

Now, the situation is worse. After quitting so many jobs and having an inconsistency quite apparently on my resume, I have lost my confidence and self-esteem. I do want to work but don’t know what to do. I have tried almost everything. From event management to advertising and public relations, teaching, the non-profit sector, social media, and now looking for something else to explore. I know one cannot be lucky to keep changing his careers and get jobs too. When I submit my cv somewhere, the evaluator could observe that I am not consistent with the careers and jobs which shows that I don’t know what to do and I do not have expertise in any field. He would be certain that I would leave that job also very soon.

Online Work Opportunities

I know there are many work opportunities available online. I am thinking to explore them. I have above average writing skills but still confused and unsure if I get successful in winning some work. Problem with online work is that you have to give an interview every time you apply for any project. Secondly, with changing moods and having depressive episodes, you may not deliver the work before deadlines. Despite all these uncertainties I look forward to exploring such online opportunities and see what happens.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Rayan Ahmed.

 

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No more in mainstream

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I’m no more in mainstream

Where the traffic of metropolis flows

There is no mercy left

When the hard wind blows

I wanted to bear lifelong challenges

But my courage betrayed me

I wished to be among the crowd

Alas,

My seclusion left me alone

I wanted to fly high,

With these injured wings,

I swear I tried,

But failed.

When you can’t achieve goals

Why to fake with false hope

Reality is bitter

No need to glitter

With bright hopes

And ambitious dreams

Accept the veracity

Consent your defeat

You’re no more in mainstream

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Europe/Portugal/South/Lisboa/photo1161307.htm

Opportunity knocks at doorstep of Failure

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But I’m not a failure

This post is the continuation of my last post “Workplace Phobia” I am no more a weak person who regrets everything that was ever happened to me in this life. When I failed to do something, I started cursing myself and blaming for incompetency. I always under-estimated myself for not performing well consistently in career like my other friends. I’m being very honest here. Because I made this blog to express my inner self which I have to hide in real world.I’m attracted to guys and when I see successful friends I envy their girl friends or future wives and used to wish I were a girl and would marry a rich successful handsome guy and live happily forever.

These all thoughts show how much I hate myself. I am good at motivational speeches and quotes, i recently made a video to “teach” public to be comfortable and have peace with themselves and don’t pretend or wish to be someone else. CRAP !!

May be people who say good things to motivate others are actually motivating themselves and making them realize what they know but never act upon.

Yesterday, when I was coming back from workplace, I was having racing thoughts, initial ones were the same self-blaming, guilt of failure and giving up emotions. But then suddenly, I said myself NO. Not this time. I might fail again but that doesn’t mean I should give up or condemn myself. I am a patient not a normal person, I am on medications and have to put great effort to look normal. Then also, I got employment offer after 2 hours of interview, that means I’m not incompetent, I have a lot to offer but sadly due to my illness and phobias, I can not spend 9 hours at work. I am not sure about severeness and frequency of my mood swings for a long period. I get paranoid among people. I lose my identity and consciousness   while talking to colleagues. BUT I know my work. I know I can write well, I know internet marketing, I am confident about my creative skills. So, I should find some other type of work to earn. For instance Freelance work, or there are many ways to earn from home. It’s just that I am not fit in workplace, doesn’t mean I can not work.

There are two types of people in this world. First, who are in majority, they struggle with the world. People call them ‘normal’ and others few, who have to struggle with their own selves because their own thoughts and emotions are their worst enemies. They have to develop their own environment to seek comfort and peace. I’ve started working to design that environment. Will share with you as well.

Thanks for Reading