Blend of Misery and Blessings


A few days ago, one of my followers commented on my post No More in Mainstream The comment was “Hope you find beauty in the wilderness” I really like that comment and decided to write a poem on this theme later on. I was just thinking about the phrase and some quick flashes of blessings given by my misery i.e. Bipolar Homosexuality, hit my mind. It is obvious that Bipolar Disorder is a serious painful illness and the sufferer loses his identity in the ongoing periods of highs and lows for the entire life. Low self-esteem, lack of energy, emptiness, and loss of interest in almost every activity of life in the phase of depression lead someone at the point to think about ending his life. And I have gone through it and I do reach to this point quite often in the severe gloomy phases of depression. On the other hand, impulsiveness, inability to make wise decisions, racing thoughts, excessive sex drive, and random actions in the period of Hypomania and psychosis in full manic episode also makes the sufferer at the extreme level of discomfort and instability.

And in my case, if the bipolar man is homosexual, his miseries get even worse. He has to fight with two issues at the same time. In my country and the faith I follow, homosexuality is forbidden. I don’t know about your views (whoever is reading the post) but as I was raised in a system that somehow I also feel homosexuality is not natural (despite I am convinced somewhere inside that it is natural) I don’t know, I am confused. One of the most important thing in Bipolar Homosexuality is ultimate sex craving – imagine, a bipolar who is not married (he doesn’t want to marry because it is a big responsibility and marriages fail due to bipolar illness and secondly he is gay) and also, he is confused about gay sex. Yes, I am talking about myself. In hypomanic or sometimes in psychotic depression phase, when I am dying for sex, abstaining from it makes me absolutely crazy. I talk insane and do things that I regret later. I screw terms with family and friends because I am not satisfied internally.

I have talked enough about the misery i.e. wilderness. Now, I will throw some light on how this combination of Bipolar illness and Homosexuality reward me. Despite all miseries, pain and suffering that this combination brings to me, I am thankful to God for the eyes that see and recognize the beauty in the outside world, the ears that are always available for family and friends to listen to their grievances and stories about their life, work and relationships, a kind heart that melts for the suffering humanity, and most of all He blessed me with a creative and thinking mind. What I write on this blog and what you appreciate is all because of these blessings otherwise I would be doing 10 hours job, have a family and kids to take care of, and got stuck in mundane life routine. I wouldn’t get time to think about big questions of the life, about the world, humanity, and I am certain I would not be able to empathize and sympathize with others.

This bipolarity blessed me with the light and the darkness (both at the same time) to see this world. And my homosexuality empowered me to empathize both the genders, that’s why I respect all genders even transgender and don’t discriminate. Also, I know the misery of a prostitute and the irony of this world which makes her that way. I can relate to the abused victims and all those to whom this world is unfair. Bipolar Homosexuality in a way, takes away my peace but in return, empowers me with traits that ‘normal’ people (those who are not bipolar or homosexual) lack. I am different and I MUST find beauty and peace in my wilderness.

Rayan Ahmed


What If..

I like guys. No, I don’t like guys.. But that one I saw in store was cute.. No, its just that he was good looking and straight people also like and appreciate beauty of same sex. God, why can’t I stop thinking about Barbier, he is so nice, polite, he speaks good, dresses well, so confident. And I simply like spending time with him. and last time when we met, he showed me his apartment, his room was a bit messed up but that’s ok. Room of bachelor guys is of that kind. Wait, I started liking girls. I get arousal by thinking of cute, pretty, thin delicate girl. It’s so positive that I started liking girls. Now I could marry if I find a girl of such specs in real world. Oh, I forgot I’m a Bipolar too. Would she be able to tolerate my crazy mood swings? Would she try to accommodate with my illness. What if I have cravings for a guy and same night, she needs a passionate sex. I don’t know. Seriously I don’t.

Homosexuality and SEX – Yet another perspective !!


Gay doesn’t mean Ready-for-Sex

This is my first post on Homosexuality on this blog. I wanted to write about it before but was preoccupied with my bipolar mood fluctuations. By now, you must know I’m a bipolar Homosexual, living with two taboos in a conservative society where such people have to fight for their acceptance and rights. I don’t fall in this category because I didn’t disclose my identity. We are living in a modern world where we are exposed to changing values and perception shift. Disease like Bipolar or people belonging to different sexual orientations and preferences were always present in all times even in primitive societies as it’s about human biology and psychology. What keeps on changing is attitude of people who are subjects and objects of these taboos. Today, I see many non-profit organizations are working to raise awareness regarding mental illnesses and buying votes of sympathy for mental patients. Similarly modern societies are debating about gay rights and marriages equal to that of straight people.

Since, I could just read it on internet, I decided to write about these two things and to present my perspective, in this way created Bipolar Homosexuality (BPH).

I like to read about my disease and sexuality so that I could know myself better and at the same time express my learning and experiences to help others. There is a plenty of reading material and researches available online regarding Bipolar but unfortunately when I type keywords like Homosexuality and Gay, nude photos and dating sites appear more than the reading material. There are sites like American Psychological Association that have excellent reference material on Homosexuality.

Then there are a number of gay forums like Manjam that are more of Hook Up sites rather gay socializing. Forums like Gay Speak are doing well to provide socialization and emotional support to gay community.

It’s very unfortunate that being gay is often associated with Sex. I believe, Gay is as ‘normal’ as straight who eats, drinks, works, hang out and enjoys everything  like a straight man or woman. The only difference is about sexual preferences. Why can’t two gay men just meet over coffee or plan for a movie or dinner. Similarly, gay men can discuss a character from any book or they could even talk about politics. Why does being gay mean always-ready-for-bed. I heard gay people are more horny than straights. CRAP.

What made me write this article now is search for nice interesting boards on Pinterest I got interesting pins about Bipolar but when I put Homosexuality, nude photos appeared on my screen.

Food for thought: I just wonder if two gay men could share bed without having sex.