Being Desirable

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When you desire,

you become vulnerable

more intense the desire

more severe the vulnerability

and

less chances to save

your self-esteem and dignity

But,

When you become desirable

no matter how artificial

and pretentious it is..

you give a boost to your ego

no matter how shallow

and fragile it is..

you become less bothered

and unconcerned

that made you a chooser

you overcome the hidden

monster of vulnerability

and you become free

of all chaos and demons

that lies within.

~Rayan Ahmed~

Image source: https://www.wlbfineart.com/relationships/

OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Sleepless Nights

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These sleepless nights

Longing for deep rest

The hurting eyes

Burning with dreams

That I never be able to see

For dreams,

One has to sleep,

I see dreams with open eyes

A dream of a peaceful sleep

Few moments to forget my existence

To shed the weight of eyelids

I desire to rest. .

In this long night of winter

I want to escape from

Cold breathes..

I need to shut my mind

To stop the train of

Poignant thoughts

I desire a refuge

In the arms of

this gloomy night.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/health-hazards-linked-lack-sleep/story?id=19555313

Unfortunate Dreams

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I see no hope in these empty eyes

Once there were shiny dreams

That I saw in good times

All the fantasies remain the fantasy

Those golden dreams

Never became the reality

The fading hope is swapped by

Dark clouds filled with tears

waiting for

ruthless death of courage

it will rain once again

with drops of blood

there will be no gain

accept some more pain

my all dreams will go drained

in the flood

of mere helplessness

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

http://aquasixio.deviantart.com/art/Don-t-trash-your-dreams-323512656

Passion isn’t enough

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Honesty of intentions,

And passion towards goal

To make a difference,

By playing your role

I tell you today,

Passion & honesty isn’t enough

To succeed in life

So what if you’ve potential

No wonder you’re sincere

I agree you want to contribute

And make your own identity

But my dear friend,

Don’t overlook the reality

You’ve a medical condition

That will always hinder your way

Towards your goal & success in life

It’s a lifelong struggle

It will pull you back

Whenever,

You take a step forward

You will be hurt bad

It’s sweet to think high

But my innocent friend,

Hope isn’t enough

To take you to sky

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Play the Mystery

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Enough of whining

Own the ordeal

No more sharing

Of how I feel

I will not open up now

Enough of trust

The end of thirst

Of the companionship

I will not come to you now

There are many masks to wear

When people don’t deserve

What’s the point to be real?

Abandon the fear

Too much of care

Don’t lead anywhere

You have the power

To bliss and shine

Forget the misery

Play the mystery

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

A Humble Question from You

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If a diabetic can share his illness with family, friends, and society and folks appear to be concerned about it then WHY a person suffering from bipolar disorder hesitate to share it with his fellow beings and at the first place, Why does s/he feel sorry about him and spend a life in a closet with his haunting thoughts?