Bipolar and Changing Jobs


Two things have been bothering me since my adulthood; relationship issues and career uncertainty. Today I will talk about career issues. In my earlier post, I discussed how bipolar person struggles to keep a steady job. I wrote that post in 2013 and my situation isn’t very different from then. Although I did have a job lasted for 2 years between 2016 and 2018 and also I taught in a university for one-semester fall 2014, but I am standing in a middle to nowhere again.

Getting a job and having a steady career are two different things. You can secure a job after passing an interview and on the basis of your qualification, work experience, and your skills and potential but you do not necessarily possess skills to keep that job and work consistently with the same interest that you had while joining the job. That’s exactly happened to me. I did get jobs in different positions and in various industries but couldn’t sustain it. I don’t blame the external factors that lead to quitting the job but the root cause is my own self i.e. changing interest. Soon after working for some months, I lose interest in that work area and get a strong impulse and temptation to step into some other field. The impulse is so strong that I couldn’t ignore it. I never get satisfied with the work which I do in a particular job position. And this cycle continues.

The Impulse to Teach

One of the impulses has been of teaching which was very consistent throughout these years. I taught at an online university for two years and also in a conventional university for one semester (6 months). I really enjoyed working in the online university as it suited to my changing moods. There, I didn’t have to face the audience and there was very limited online interaction with colleagues. Most of the work was done independently. But I never appreciated that work while serving there. During that tenure, I always looked for other opportunities to volunteer in NGOs and youth development and training field. Then suddenly I got a job offer from a pharmaceutical company as Assistant Manager – Social Media, and I joined it without even thinking twice. My Pdoc said that job was best for me and I also realized that later on.

Working with the conventional university was a wonderful experience but it was stressful. I served there for 6 months and hypomania got triggered during that time. Because I had to speak for 3 hours for delivering lectures and there was too much physical interaction with students. I was also bothered by the traveling because it was the evening class and the traffic was unbearable.

The impulse to Work in Development Sector

Another impulse has been working with some NGO in non-profit, development sector. I tried that too by volunteering in an NGO working against Child Abuse. I volunteered for 2 years and then realized that there was no substantial outcome of the efforts. The core activities of NGO was limited to organizing walks, protests, carnivals and workshop on the same topic. Somehow I felt that most of the NGOs exist just to glorify the ‘ social issue’ and gain public sympathy in form of grants and the society doesn’t gain any substantial and quantifiable results out of their efforts. That’s my personal viewpoint which I derived from my experience and observation. I am sure not all of the civil rights organizations and NGOs are like that.

So I tried both the options which tempt me so much that I quit my jobs, i.e. teaching and working in the development sector and left it on my own wish. Interestingly I still get such impulses.

Not Interested in Corporate World

One thing is for sure that I do not want to work in the corporate world. I think it is a kind of modern slavery. During my corporate jobs, I always thought what I was contributing to the world by serving to these corporate companies. Of course I was getting paid for my work and the business was contributing to the economy but still, I felt that I should not serve to the corporate system. It doesn’t mean, I was not good at my work. My employers were happy with my work and they were aware of my potential. I was the one who left the jobs, they did not kick me out.

Now, the situation is worse. After quitting so many jobs and having an inconsistency quite apparently on my resume, I have lost my confidence and self-esteem. I do want to work but don’t know what to do. I have tried almost everything. From event management to advertising and public relations, teaching, the non-profit sector, social media, and now looking for something else to explore. I know one cannot be lucky to keep changing his careers and get jobs too. When I submit my cv somewhere, the evaluator could observe that I am not consistent with the careers and jobs which shows that I don’t know what to do and I do not have expertise in any field. He would be certain that I would leave that job also very soon.

Online Work Opportunities

I know there are many work opportunities available online. I am thinking to explore them. I have above average writing skills but still confused and unsure if I get successful in winning some work. Problem with online work is that you have to give an interview every time you apply for any project. Secondly, with changing moods and having depressive episodes, you may not deliver the work before deadlines. Despite all these uncertainties I look forward to exploring such online opportunities and see what happens.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Rayan Ahmed.



Bipolar and Physical Body Pains

Bipolar and Body PainHi friends,
I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago. All these years went in a roller coaster ride, finally my meds are stable from the last year. Although I do have anxiety and ocd problem but highs and lows are not that severe. But I still get mood swings which I believe can’t go entirely. in mid 2015 I had severe upper back pain that moves in different areas of upper back. sometimes the pain just disappear as there was no pain at all. then soon it comes back. Earlier I thought it was a mascular pain or some kind of muscle spasm. I applied many creams and took pain killers. There was some kind of relief but pain didn’t go. Then I was diagnosed with Vit D defficiency. my vit D level became less than 3 when i checked last year. I took 3 months course and pain went miraculously. I thought may be it was because of the vit defficiency but sadly pain came back. I got Xray as well but it came normal. It has been two years and still i have pain sensations in different parts of upper back. it goes and comes back. It gets severe when i do some mental activity or due to stress.

In addition to this, I get pain in hips while sitting for longer period of time. my doc prescribed MRI of Lumber Sacral Spine and i was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc disease (DDD) I don’t know whether that is the cause of hip pain because i do not have much pain in lower back. there is just the stiffness in lower back but the actual pain appears in hips while sitting.

I read about the connection between bipolar and phsyical pains. I read about fibromyalgia as well. I read there is a connection between stress, anxiety and body pain. Pain is often psychological. It is connected with our thoughts. I am thinking to do some relaxation exercises now. But i suspect whether a bipolar person with OCD and Anxiety disorder can permanently get rid of stress or disturbing thoughts. I am afraid whether i have to live with these body pains with the rest of my life.

Do you think there is some connection with mental illness and phsyical pains? Did you experience that?

Your feedback is appreciated.



Being Desirable

Dr, Asma Jamal Prescription.jpg

When you desire,

you become vulnerable

more intense the desire

more severe the vulnerability


less chances to save

your self-esteem and dignity


When you become desirable

no matter how artificial

and pretentious it is..

you give a boost to your ego

no matter how shallow

and fragile it is..

you become less bothered

and unconcerned

that made you a chooser

you overcome the hidden

monster of vulnerability

and you become free

of all chaos and demons

that lies within.

~Rayan Ahmed~

Image source:

OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania


I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?





Sleepless Nights


These sleepless nights

Longing for deep rest

The hurting eyes

Burning with dreams

That I never be able to see

For dreams,

One has to sleep,

I see dreams with open eyes

A dream of a peaceful sleep

Few moments to forget my existence

To shed the weight of eyelids

I desire to rest. .

In this long night of winter

I want to escape from

Cold breathes..

I need to shut my mind

To stop the train of

Poignant thoughts

I desire a refuge

In the arms of

this gloomy night.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

Unfortunate Dreams


I see no hope in these empty eyes

Once there were shiny dreams

That I saw in good times

All the fantasies remain the fantasy

Those golden dreams

Never became the reality

The fading hope is swapped by

Dark clouds filled with tears

waiting for

ruthless death of courage

it will rain once again

with drops of blood

there will be no gain

accept some more pain

my all dreams will go drained

in the flood

of mere helplessness

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

Passion isn’t enough


Honesty of intentions,

And passion towards goal

To make a difference,

By playing your role

I tell you today,

Passion & honesty isn’t enough

To succeed in life

So what if you’ve potential

No wonder you’re sincere

I agree you want to contribute

And make your own identity

But my dear friend,

Don’t overlook the reality

You’ve a medical condition

That will always hinder your way

Towards your goal & success in life

It’s a lifelong struggle

It will pull you back


You take a step forward

You will be hurt bad

It’s sweet to think high

But my innocent friend,

Hope isn’t enough

To take you to sky

~ Rayan Ahmed ~