Intrusive Sexual Thoughts


I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,







Desire of novelistic Intimacy


I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

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Craving of an Empty Soul

depression+gay+couple I’m an empty soul

Imprisoned in a filthy body

I desire every man I look at

With a deep sense of deprivation

My greedy eyes want him to

Hold me, Love me, and Squeeze me,

Mercilessly. . so that this tainted flesh

Loosens the grip of weakened bones

And my hollow existence is filled,

With shame and pleasurable regrets

Leaving my inner self more thirsty

More desperate and more vulnerable

To submit my dignity once again

To every mouthwatering body

With the same greedy eyes

To succumb my self-worth

In the name of this emptiness


Living Happily with Bipolar Disorder

I don’t know if anybody noticed, I stopped writing for sometime. 2013 was the year of great setbacks and self evolution. I had been through the pain of back to back severe manic and depressive episodes, both lasted 3 months.  I went into a state of disappointment and despair and thought I would never have a peaceful life. My friends who are bipolar-homosexual could relate to my story in a better way as when these two combine, the panic is enough to make you crazy.

Later this year, when I thought things wouldn’t change and I will be living like a loser despite all degrees and shining academic portfolio, a miracle happened.. when, how, I don’t know.. but why !! Yes this I know.. because I was waiting for a miracle, that’s the only thing that could change my life. I understood that life changes with your perspective, otherwise things are the same. I am the same guy, pretty same routine,. same medications.. same family issues.. Its just that I see things differently. I will tell you HOW.

I stopped thinking about career or why do I have homosexual feelings. This is the first thing I did. then I said OK. Now What !! then I started exploring my interests, apart from those what I have been doing all these years.. instead things that I wanted to do but didn’t do for some reasons. Like I always listen to typical bollywood film music.. dance numbers etc.. so I started listening classical and folk music. and the new compositions and beats aroused me interest to explore more.. I listened to Ghazals.. Ghazal is somewhat classical sort of music belong to sub-continent. later on, I searched for creative images, starting from my laptop desktop.. I changed my cell phone tones.. I started dressing up well without a reason.. with no intention to show my friends and take compliments… Pinterest is a great platform for images of any sort. I discovered I like and understand Art.. and I literally listened to those paintings. this is the time I realized pictures do speak. and silence scream !! da feeling is wonderful.. I was knowing myself..

I always love to think and talk about life, experiences and relationships.. but urbanization somehow screwed up everything.. conversations are on skype and mobile.. most of us don’t know the charm of having a great conversation with friend or partner having cups of coffee in cool breeze in terrace.. !! I discovered a writer for me.. Paulo Coehlo. He is just an amazing person.. he has a great contribution in changing my life.. He made me see things beyond the imagination of reality. Now, I don’t see, I observe. I feel, I absorb !!

I didn’t have sex for about an year, just in a thought that whether its good to have or not… but in this very span.. a friend appeared after 5 years.. n we just had a good time on bed.. more of a cuddling and foreplay.. I was amazed to see I was too frustrated to have sex. and that time during 3 hrs neither of us ejaculated. Isnt it amazing? I don’t believe this. Now its been a week and I didn’t masturbate !! coz my soul is in peace..