Desire of novelistic Intimacy

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I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

Image Source: http://sydneygaycounselling.com/2011/09/challenge-intimacy-men/

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Blend of Misery and Blessings

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A few days ago, one of my followers commented on my post No More in Mainstream The comment was “Hope you find beauty in the wilderness” I really like that comment and decided to write a poem on this theme later on. I was just thinking about the phrase and some quick flashes of blessings given by my misery i.e. Bipolar Homosexuality, hit my mind. It is obvious that Bipolar Disorder is a serious painful illness and the sufferer loses his identity in the ongoing periods of highs and lows for the entire life. Low self-esteem, lack of energy, emptiness, and loss of interest in almost every activity of life in the phase of depression lead someone at the point to think about ending his life. And I have gone through it and I do reach to this point quite often in the severe gloomy phases of depression. On the other hand, impulsiveness, inability to make wise decisions, racing thoughts, excessive sex drive, and random actions in the period of Hypomania and psychosis in full manic episode also makes the sufferer at the extreme level of discomfort and instability.

And in my case, if the bipolar man is homosexual, his miseries get even worse. He has to fight with two issues at the same time. In my country and the faith I follow, homosexuality is forbidden. I don’t know about your views (whoever is reading the post) but as I was raised in a system that somehow I also feel homosexuality is not natural (despite I am convinced somewhere inside that it is natural) I don’t know, I am confused. One of the most important thing in Bipolar Homosexuality is ultimate sex craving – imagine, a bipolar who is not married (he doesn’t want to marry because it is a big responsibility and marriages fail due to bipolar illness and secondly he is gay) and also, he is confused about gay sex. Yes, I am talking about myself. In hypomanic or sometimes in psychotic depression phase, when I am dying for sex, abstaining from it makes me absolutely crazy. I talk insane and do things that I regret later. I screw terms with family and friends because I am not satisfied internally.

I have talked enough about the misery i.e. wilderness. Now, I will throw some light on how this combination of Bipolar illness and Homosexuality reward me. Despite all miseries, pain and suffering that this combination brings to me, I am thankful to God for the eyes that see and recognize the beauty in the outside world, the ears that are always available for family and friends to listen to their grievances and stories about their life, work and relationships, a kind heart that melts for the suffering humanity, and most of all He blessed me with a creative and thinking mind. What I write on this blog and what you appreciate is all because of these blessings otherwise I would be doing 10 hours job, have a family and kids to take care of, and got stuck in mundane life routine. I wouldn’t get time to think about big questions of the life, about the world, humanity, and I am certain I would not be able to empathize and sympathize with others.

This bipolarity blessed me with the light and the darkness (both at the same time) to see this world. And my homosexuality empowered me to empathize both the genders, that’s why I respect all genders even transgender and don’t discriminate. Also, I know the misery of a prostitute and the irony of this world which makes her that way. I can relate to the abused victims and all those to whom this world is unfair. Bipolar Homosexuality in a way, takes away my peace but in return, empowers me with traits that ‘normal’ people (those who are not bipolar or homosexual) lack. I am different and I MUST find beauty and peace in my wilderness.

Rayan Ahmed

No more in mainstream

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I’m no more in mainstream

Where the traffic of metropolis flows

There is no mercy left

When the hard wind blows

I wanted to bear lifelong challenges

But my courage betrayed me

I wished to be among the crowd

Alas,

My seclusion left me alone

I wanted to fly high,

With these injured wings,

I swear I tried,

But failed.

When you can’t achieve goals

Why to fake with false hope

Reality is bitter

No need to glitter

With bright hopes

And ambitious dreams

Accept the veracity

Consent your defeat

You’re no more in mainstream

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://www.trekearth.com/gallery/Europe/Portugal/South/Lisboa/photo1161307.htm

Unfortunate Dreams

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I see no hope in these empty eyes

Once there were shiny dreams

That I saw in good times

All the fantasies remain the fantasy

Those golden dreams

Never became the reality

The fading hope is swapped by

Dark clouds filled with tears

waiting for

ruthless death of courage

it will rain once again

with drops of blood

there will be no gain

accept some more pain

my all dreams will go drained

in the flood

of mere helplessness

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

http://aquasixio.deviantart.com/art/Don-t-trash-your-dreams-323512656

Passion isn’t enough

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Honesty of intentions,

And passion towards goal

To make a difference,

By playing your role

I tell you today,

Passion & honesty isn’t enough

To succeed in life

So what if you’ve potential

No wonder you’re sincere

I agree you want to contribute

And make your own identity

But my dear friend,

Don’t overlook the reality

You’ve a medical condition

That will always hinder your way

Towards your goal & success in life

It’s a lifelong struggle

It will pull you back

Whenever,

You take a step forward

You will be hurt bad

It’s sweet to think high

But my innocent friend,

Hope isn’t enough

To take you to sky

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Play the Mystery

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Enough of whining

Own the ordeal

No more sharing

Of how I feel

I will not open up now

Enough of trust

The end of thirst

Of the companionship

I will not come to you now

There are many masks to wear

When people don’t deserve

What’s the point to be real?

Abandon the fear

Too much of care

Don’t lead anywhere

You have the power

To bliss and shine

Forget the misery

Play the mystery

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

The World is Bipolar

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The world is bipolar

We witness bright day after dark night

The Grey, Black and White

Two poles that sets us apart

Whether uniformity of the crowd

Or the exclusivity of individuals

The hotness of summer

And those chilly winters

The stillness of lake

and manic tides of ocean

The calmness in woods

Speaks the allure wisdom

The pace of metropolis

Triggers mundane boredom

I see two poles everywhere

Whether its sunshine

After the stormy rain

a hope emerges from dark clouds

The Nature trails and whispers

You’re not alone.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

http://www.pbase.com/image/27942234