This is not my first post about the career. Previously, I shared my job struggles here. I have been switching jobs and careers since I graduated from the university. Securing a job was not that difficult in my case (Alhumdolillah), however sustaining it consistently is almost impossible for me.
I took a personality test according to which, I fall into the category of INFP personality type. Surprisingly, whatever it says about the INFP type is exactly the same in my case. It says, this type of people never get satisfied with work. Money is not a motivating factor behind their goals and aspirations. They feel contented by working for the cause which they care about. The possible careers for INFPs would be academia as they are kind of intellectuals, careers in psychology like counseling or mental health, personal coaching and inspirational leader. I studied social sciences/humanities, so I am relieved that I did the correct schooling. After that, I worked in various corporate fields including marketing, advertising, public relations, social media etc. Along with the paid jobs, I volunteered for different NGOs and honestly speaking, that unpaid work makes me more contended.
However, thanks to Bipolar, I couldn’t pursue one career for a long time. My maximum job period was 1.5 years, as an online course instructor at an online university. I regret to leave that job till now. But then I think whatever happens in for our own good. That job was good for me in a sense that it was teaching as well as I was not supposed to face the audience and interact with people. So it was very suitable for me as I was teaching while managing bipolar. But with the physical illnesses which I developed over the period of the last 3 years, I couldn’t continue that job. It was complete desk work and requires sitting for 8 hours. With low back pain and Schamberg’s disease, I couldn’t work in that capacity.
I love to talk when I am in the mood. But it is also true that in my low mood, I don’t want to see anyone’s face. I taught a semester in traditional university as well. It was the quite a rewarding experience but I went into hypomania at the end of the semester, as I had to deliver a lecture for continuous 3 hours. Of course, we had class discussions, assignments but I had to manage the class and it got stressful sometimes. If not stressful, then surely it raised my excitement. Ironically, stress and excitement both are harmful to the bipolar person.
Now, my mental illness is Alhumdolillah managed with medication but it is getting harder for me to manage the physical manifestation of the illness i.e. physical diseases. I have been taking my psychiatric medicines for more than 10 years now, with a roller coaster mental and emotional state. Even if a person takes one tablet daily for 2 years with a normal mental state, the body’s overall health gets disturbed. No medicine is a good medicine. It treats one thing and produces multiple known and unknown side effects.
I still get impulses to teach but I have a fear that I would not be able to perform well in front of the audience and if I do so, it may trigger high state, which I can’t afford. I need to take a sleeping pill if I get a bit social with friends because of a high level of excitement. So how would I keep talking and interacting with people, face stress and excitement and not get mentally disturbed?
Anyway, I am reading a personal development book by Anthony Robbins. I don’t know him. My brother is very much into motivational reading and watching videos of inspirational speakers on YouTube. So I just got the book and started reading. I finished over 80 pages in 2 days then discontinued as I started reading philosophy. So, consistency is a huge problem. While reading that book, I get excited and motivated and feel that I too can talk and write such things. When I taught ‘Entrepreneurship’ course at university, my students told me that I have persuasive communication skills. My previous bosses also told me that I have a skill of communication and putting my point of view across. Although I am not very good at English as it is not my native language. I can even talk and write in my own language. that is not a problem. The problem is again, consistency. I wish I develop that. Secondly, I wouldn’t be able to face the audience in my low mood. Plus, with all these years of ups and downs and job fluctuations, my confidence has also got low. Then I feel, I can write if not be able to speak well. All I want is consistency.
It seems this post is more of a self-talk and ranting. Most of the blogging is about that, I guess 🙂
Thanks for reading,