Teaching or Motivational Writing?

This is not my first post about the career. Previously, I shared my job struggles here. I have been switching jobs and careers since I graduated from the university. Securing a job was not that difficult in my case (Alhumdolillah), however sustaining it consistently is almost impossible for me.

I took a personality test according to which, I fall into the category of INFP personality type. Surprisingly, whatever it says about the INFP type is exactly the same in my case. It says, this type of people never get satisfied with work. Money is not a motivating factor behind their goals and aspirations. They feel contented by working for the cause which they care about. The possible careers for INFPs would be academia as they are kind of intellectuals, careers in psychology like counseling or mental health, personal coaching and inspirational leader. I studied social sciences/humanities, so I am relieved that I did the correct schooling. After that, I worked in various corporate fields including marketing, advertising, public relations, social media etc. Along with the paid jobs, I volunteered for different NGOs and honestly speaking, that unpaid work makes me more contended.

However, thanks to Bipolar, I couldn’t pursue one career for a long time. My maximum job period was 1.5 years, as an online course instructor at an online university. I regret to leave that job till now. But then I think whatever happens in for our own good. That job was good for me in a sense that it was teaching as well as I was not supposed to face the audience and interact with people. So it was very suitable for me as I was teaching while managing bipolar. But with the physical illnesses which I developed over the period of the last 3 years, I couldn’t continue that job. It was complete desk work and requires sitting for 8 hours. With low back pain and Schamberg’s disease, I couldn’t work in that capacity.

I love to talk when I am in the mood. But it is also true that in my low mood, I don’t want to see anyone’s face. I taught a semester in traditional university as well. It was the quite a rewarding experience but I went into hypomania at the end of the semester, as I had to deliver a lecture for continuous 3 hours. Of course, we had class discussions, assignments but I had to manage the class and it got stressful sometimes. If not stressful, then surely it raised my excitement. Ironically, stress and excitement both are harmful to the bipolar person.

Now, my mental illness is Alhumdolillah managed with medication but it is getting harder for me to manage the physical manifestation of the illness i.e. physical diseases. I have been taking my psychiatric medicines for more than 10 years now, with a roller coaster mental and emotional state. Even if a person takes one tablet daily for 2 years with a normal mental state, the body’s overall health gets disturbed. No medicine is a good medicine. It treats one thing and produces multiple known and unknown side effects.

I still get impulses to teach but I have a fear that I would not be able to perform well in front of the audience and if I do so, it may trigger high state, which I can’t afford. I need to take a sleeping pill if I get a bit social with friends because of a high level of excitement. So how would I keep talking and interacting with people, face stress and excitement and not get mentally disturbed?

Anyway, I am reading a personal development book by Anthony Robbins. I don’t know him. My brother is very much into motivational reading and watching videos of inspirational speakers on YouTube. So I just got the book and started reading. I finished over 80 pages in 2 days then discontinued as I started reading philosophy. So, consistency is a huge problem. While reading that book, I get excited and motivated and feel that I too can talk and write such things. When I taught ‘Entrepreneurship’ course at university, my students told me that I have persuasive communication skills. My previous bosses also told me that I have a skill of communication and putting my point of view across. Although I am not very good at English as it is not my native language. I can even talk and write in my own language. that is not a problem. The problem is again, consistency. I wish I develop that. Secondly, I wouldn’t be able to face the audience in my low mood. Plus, with all these years of ups and downs and job fluctuations, my confidence has also got low. Then I feel, I can write if not be able to speak well. All I want is consistency.

It seems this post is more of a self-talk and ranting. Most of the blogging is about that, I guess 🙂

Thanks for reading,

God Bless



Bipolar and Changing Jobs


Two things have been bothering me since my adulthood; relationship issues and career uncertainty. Today I will talk about career issues. In my earlier post, I discussed how bipolar person struggles to keep a steady job. I wrote that post in 2013 and my situation isn’t very different from then. Although I did have a job lasted for 2 years between 2016 and 2018 and also I taught in a university for one-semester fall 2014, but I am standing in a middle to nowhere again.

Getting a job and having a steady career are two different things. You can secure a job after passing an interview and on the basis of your qualification, work experience, and your skills and potential but you do not necessarily possess skills to keep that job and work consistently with the same interest that you had while joining the job. That’s exactly happened to me. I did get jobs in different positions and in various industries but couldn’t sustain it. I don’t blame the external factors that lead to quitting the job but the root cause is my own self i.e. changing interest. Soon after working for some months, I lose interest in that work area and get a strong impulse and temptation to step into some other field. The impulse is so strong that I couldn’t ignore it. I never get satisfied with the work which I do in a particular job position. And this cycle continues.

The Impulse to Teach

One of the impulses has been of teaching which was very consistent throughout these years. I taught at an online university for two years and also in a conventional university for one semester (6 months). I really enjoyed working in the online university as it suited to my changing moods. There, I didn’t have to face the audience and there was very limited online interaction with colleagues. Most of the work was done independently. But I never appreciated that work while serving there. During that tenure, I always looked for other opportunities to volunteer in NGOs and youth development and training field. Then suddenly I got a job offer from a pharmaceutical company as Assistant Manager – Social Media, and I joined it without even thinking twice. My Pdoc said that job was best for me and I also realized that later on.

Working with the conventional university was a wonderful experience but it was stressful. I served there for 6 months and hypomania got triggered during that time. Because I had to speak for 3 hours for delivering lectures and there was too much physical interaction with students. I was also bothered by the traveling because it was the evening class and the traffic was unbearable.

The impulse to Work in Development Sector

Another impulse has been working with some NGO in non-profit, development sector. I tried that too by volunteering in an NGO working against Child Abuse. I volunteered for 2 years and then realized that there was no substantial outcome of the efforts. The core activities of NGO was limited to organizing walks, protests, carnivals and workshop on the same topic. Somehow I felt that most of the NGOs exist just to glorify the ‘ social issue’ and gain public sympathy in form of grants and the society doesn’t gain any substantial and quantifiable results out of their efforts. That’s my personal viewpoint which I derived from my experience and observation. I am sure not all of the civil rights organizations and NGOs are like that.

So I tried both the options which tempt me so much that I quit my jobs, i.e. teaching and working in the development sector and left it on my own wish. Interestingly I still get such impulses.

Not Interested in Corporate World

One thing is for sure that I do not want to work in the corporate world. I think it is a kind of modern slavery. During my corporate jobs, I always thought what I was contributing to the world by serving to these corporate companies. Of course I was getting paid for my work and the business was contributing to the economy but still, I felt that I should not serve to the corporate system. It doesn’t mean, I was not good at my work. My employers were happy with my work and they were aware of my potential. I was the one who left the jobs, they did not kick me out.

Now, the situation is worse. After quitting so many jobs and having an inconsistency quite apparently on my resume, I have lost my confidence and self-esteem. I do want to work but don’t know what to do. I have tried almost everything. From event management to advertising and public relations, teaching, the non-profit sector, social media, and now looking for something else to explore. I know one cannot be lucky to keep changing his careers and get jobs too. When I submit my cv somewhere, the evaluator could observe that I am not consistent with the careers and jobs which shows that I don’t know what to do and I do not have expertise in any field. He would be certain that I would leave that job also very soon.

Online Work Opportunities

I know there are many work opportunities available online. I am thinking to explore them. I have above average writing skills but still confused and unsure if I get successful in winning some work. Problem with online work is that you have to give an interview every time you apply for any project. Secondly, with changing moods and having depressive episodes, you may not deliver the work before deadlines. Despite all these uncertainties I look forward to exploring such online opportunities and see what happens.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Rayan Ahmed.