Being Desirable

Dr, Asma Jamal Prescription.jpg

When you desire,

you become vulnerable

more intense the desire

more severe the vulnerability

and

less chances to save

your self-esteem and dignity

But,

When you become desirable

no matter how artificial

and pretentious it is..

you give a boost to your ego

no matter how shallow

and fragile it is..

you become less bothered

and unconcerned

that made you a chooser

you overcome the hidden

monster of vulnerability

and you become free

of all chaos and demons

that lies within.

~Rayan Ahmed~

Image source: https://www.wlbfineart.com/relationships/

Desire of novelistic Intimacy

Challenge-of-Intimacy-between-men

I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

Image Source: http://sydneygaycounselling.com/2011/09/challenge-intimacy-men/

Gay Rights Demand Homosexual Dignity

Honor is a Gentleman's trait.

Honor is a Gentleman’s trait.

I wish we would be as willing to warmly regard and express our inner beauty and kindness as we feel free to reveal our bodies to strangers. I feel deep sorrow while scrolling profile images on social networking site/app. There are several people contented to display their full or half naked seductive body pictures. I realize they are normal, decent and educated people like me in their real lives. They carry a sober and sophisticated image in their respective social circle. Then why that dignified image is not carried or accepted on gay social networking sites? Why does a person need to put his personal or a fake arousing photo to catch the attention of public? A person is a lot more than his physical body stats, his size and his role in bed. We act quite decently in real life; have a family, regular friends to hang around, colleagues to work with, hence a complete social life, where we act as a human being not gay or straight. People know us and accept us with our good and bad.

The reason for acting seductive on social sites is quite obvious. Most of us go there when in need of quick sex commonly known as a hook up. Who would want to go through the hassle of knowing the person when the superficial contact is merely meant to last for few hours or a night at the most?

I do not judge them for their actions. They have chosen a different fashion to spend life and fulfill desires. I just feel disgusted because I’m also a part of the community. I visit the site in hope to get a good company. I don’t even deny my sexual desires. But when I look at those hungry faces and greedy gestures, I truly feel embarrassed of myself. Every human being irrespective of his dynamics and background is equally respectful. No one can deny the existence of body needs and biological desires. But their pursuit shouldn’t be materialized on the cost of the human dignity and self-worth. There must be other appropriate ways to attract partner, which don’t compel us to put our naked bodies on the market shelves.

Ironically, we carry two public profiles: a decent one for real world and other slutty one for an apparently ‘fake’ community (which is in fact our real identity). Aren’t they reflecting our dual standards and hypocrisy? We can deceive anyone by our smartness but cannot lie to our conscience – the most honest accountability of the self.

Today, when there is a worldwide movement launched for gay rights and equal acceptance, it’s high time to rethink and critically analyze our practices. If we want our place in society with honor, we should take responsibility for our personal as well as sexual observance and display the conduct to prove that homosexuals are not different from straight people. We are not defined by our sexual desires. We also follow principles of morality. We regard ourselves and our fellow men with high esteem. And above all, homosexuality is a part of our personality, much higher than that, we are equal human beings.

Charismatic Virtual Relationships

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

Shallow Emotions Evaporate.

There is a mysterious charm in meeting a stranger online who apparently appears to be of your type. That excitement cannot be described in bare words. We spend hours in talking – asking all those old questions that we keep inquiring new people we meet. It’s truly an awesome experience to know his likes and dislikes. What’s most stimulating is that you don’t have to push the conversation. Everything seems to be flowing like an untamed river. Things seem to be occurring very smoothly in a progressive way.  You feel more motivated if the person appeals you physically as well. In fact if you started talking without seeing the picture (which some people commonly do who believe more in chemistry than mere outer appearance)and later get interested, you become more cautious and concerned about physical attraction from both sides. Therefore, it’s a moment of big relief and celebration if the person appears to be attractive for you and vice versa. You found a dream combination of physical attraction and mental compatibility. What else do you need to pause your search and investing your time and energy to explore prospects and opportunities between you and him?

But we don’t usually wait till that moment. The charm that brought a stirring meaning to talk and know the person fades away with time. We get ‘used to’ of it and the virtual relationship started with a spark is going to end with a casual mundane activity. No more exhilaration left to keep the flame of intimacy burning.

Why does it happen? Why things don’t remain the same between the same people. Is it because we start taking the person for granted? Or our ‘ideal’ in mind keeps us looking for more options to explore. We may also curse internet for providing never-ending opportunities to look for new people. So, obviously sticking with one person would demand too much loyalty. Or we simply don’t want to settle down with one person whatsoever.

Did you ever experience that things appear enchanted in the beginning and lose their magic when we accomplish them?  Why do distant objects seemed unattainable tempt us more? Why the journey towards goal is more sensational than the goal itself? Maybe we always want to keep moving around the shadow of our dream ideals. The shadow, which requires light of attractive people for its survival in the darkness of our never-ending desires.

Rayan.

Nobody chooses a Living Hell !!

My love is not sacred.. because it’s different..

‘Normal’ people can’t comprehend my feelings..

My desire seems to be filthy & disgusting..

which makes my dreams unattainable,

in the society of high morals & principles..

Why do I need to seek acceptance?

Why do I need to justify the purity of,

My desires, my Love and my Soul,

I don’t want to get into the debate of,

Good or Bad.. Natural or Abnormal,

I am accountable to myself for who I am,

and I know in the state of all consciousnesses,

That it wasn’t a choice for me..

or for anyone who is going through it,

If it were, I am certain about the fact,

Nobody on this planet would have,

chosen a living hell.

 

What If..

I like guys. No, I don’t like guys.. But that one I saw in store was cute.. No, its just that he was good looking and straight people also like and appreciate beauty of same sex. God, why can’t I stop thinking about Barbier, he is so nice, polite, he speaks good, dresses well, so confident. And I simply like spending time with him. and last time when we met, he showed me his apartment, his room was a bit messed up but that’s ok. Room of bachelor guys is of that kind. Wait, I started liking girls. I get arousal by thinking of cute, pretty, thin delicate girl. It’s so positive that I started liking girls. Now I could marry if I find a girl of such specs in real world. Oh, I forgot I’m a Bipolar too. Would she be able to tolerate my crazy mood swings? Would she try to accommodate with my illness. What if I have cravings for a guy and same night, she needs a passionate sex. I don’t know. Seriously I don’t.

For Some People Life is actually Bed of Roses

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Hoping for Happiness

We get to see many examples of people living a peaceful and comfortable life.. a life that we always wished for. We envy our friends when we find them enjoying moments that we always desired. Yes, I realize that they have their own problems and they are fighting with some other issues which I can’t see.
What is a comfortable lifestyle? Nice furnished apartment near by some beautiful beach, a luxurious car, Good job with handsome salary package and perks, Branded clothes & shoes, Foreign vacation trips and so on. Now If I ask define Happiness. You may have different answers. It might be your success in exam or a job promotion, a positive reply to a marriage proposal or news of first pregnancy.

At some point comfort and happiness overlap and share the same moments. Obviously I would be happy to lead a comfortable life. Or a comfortable lifestyle would cherish me with happiness. This is a typical situation that fits with a majority. A majority of normal people, who takes a degree, struggles for job stability, get married and have a smooth life (of course with usual life problems). Then there are people who are not normal like them. They follow the same life patterns, study, work, family, but they always get stuck for ages on each stage. In fact their struggle never come to an end even when they enter into next phase of life. Each day for them brings a great challenge than an opportunity. They are not always short of cash or family love. They do have friends and a lifestyle. They live a decent life and  participate in daily activities. But they have to fight for their survival. Their enemy is not an external force, ironically their own self, thoughts and emotions are their biggest enemy.

When they see their friends living a normal life with their spouses and kids, they ask God, what was their fault? why they were punished with such unrest? They studied well, they have good aptitude, they are equal to normal people in intelligence. Then why they can’t excel in career like others. They are sensitive and loving, and when they see others enjoying with loved ones, they look up at sky and think if they could ever get a loving and understanding life partner who would take them as they are.

This comfort and happiness is not available at any price in market. The feeling when you have everything and still empty from inside. When others envy you for what you have and you wish for a good night sleep without any pills.