Bipolar and Changing Jobs

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Two things have been bothering me since my adulthood; relationship issues and career uncertainty. Today I will talk about career issues. In my earlier post, I discussed how bipolar person struggles to keep a steady job. I wrote that post in 2013 and my situation isn’t very different from then. Although I did have a job lasted for 2 years between 2016 and 2018 and also I taught in a university for one-semester fall 2014, but I am standing in a middle to nowhere again.

Getting a job and having a steady career are two different things. You can secure a job after passing an interview and on the basis of your qualification, work experience, and your skills and potential but you do not necessarily possess skills to keep that job and work consistently with the same interest that you had while joining the job. That’s exactly happened to me. I did get jobs in different positions and in various industries but couldn’t sustain it. I don’t blame the external factors that lead to quitting the job but the root cause is my own self i.e. changing interest. Soon after working for some months, I lose interest in that work area and get a strong impulse and temptation to step into some other field. The impulse is so strong that I couldn’t ignore it. I never get satisfied with the work which I do in a particular job position. And this cycle continues.

The Impulse to Teach

One of the impulses has been of teaching which was very consistent throughout these years. I taught at an online university for two years and also in a conventional university for one semester (6 months). I really enjoyed working in the online university as it suited to my changing moods. There, I didn’t have to face the audience and there was very limited online interaction with colleagues. Most of the work was done independently. But I never appreciated that work while serving there. During that tenure, I always looked for other opportunities to volunteer in NGOs and youth development and training field. Then suddenly I got a job offer from a pharmaceutical company as Assistant Manager – Social Media, and I joined it without even thinking twice. My Pdoc said that job was best for me and I also realized that later on.

Working with the conventional university was a wonderful experience but it was stressful. I served there for 6 months and hypomania got triggered during that time. Because I had to speak for 3 hours for delivering lectures and there was too much physical interaction with students. I was also bothered by the traveling because it was the evening class and the traffic was unbearable.

The impulse to Work in Development Sector

Another impulse has been working with some NGO in non-profit, development sector. I tried that too by volunteering in an NGO working against Child Abuse. I volunteered for 2 years and then realized that there was no substantial outcome of the efforts. The core activities of NGO was limited to organizing walks, protests, carnivals and workshop on the same topic. Somehow I felt that most of the NGOs exist just to glorify the ‘ social issue’ and gain public sympathy in form of grants and the society doesn’t gain any substantial and quantifiable results out of their efforts. That’s my personal viewpoint which I derived from my experience and observation. I am sure not all of the civil rights organizations and NGOs are like that.

So I tried both the options which tempt me so much that I quit my jobs, i.e. teaching and working in the development sector and left it on my own wish. Interestingly I still get such impulses.

Not Interested in Corporate World

One thing is for sure that I do not want to work in the corporate world. I think it is a kind of modern slavery. During my corporate jobs, I always thought what I was contributing to the world by serving to these corporate companies. Of course I was getting paid for my work and the business was contributing to the economy but still, I felt that I should not serve to the corporate system. It doesn’t mean, I was not good at my work. My employers were happy with my work and they were aware of my potential. I was the one who left the jobs, they did not kick me out.

Now, the situation is worse. After quitting so many jobs and having an inconsistency quite apparently on my resume, I have lost my confidence and self-esteem. I do want to work but don’t know what to do. I have tried almost everything. From event management to advertising and public relations, teaching, the non-profit sector, social media, and now looking for something else to explore. I know one cannot be lucky to keep changing his careers and get jobs too. When I submit my cv somewhere, the evaluator could observe that I am not consistent with the careers and jobs which shows that I don’t know what to do and I do not have expertise in any field. He would be certain that I would leave that job also very soon.

Online Work Opportunities

I know there are many work opportunities available online. I am thinking to explore them. I have above average writing skills but still confused and unsure if I get successful in winning some work. Problem with online work is that you have to give an interview every time you apply for any project. Secondly, with changing moods and having depressive episodes, you may not deliver the work before deadlines. Despite all these uncertainties I look forward to exploring such online opportunities and see what happens.

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Rayan Ahmed.

 

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Missing My Thinking and Emotions

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I always felt tempted to read sociology, psychology and philosophy, because I am a deep thinker and I love ruminating. Since my late childhood, I kept obsessing about big questions of life regarding the absolute truth, beginning of life, destiny of mankind, death, afterlife, Day of Judgment and accountability. Upon sharing my thoughts with a few close acquaintances, I got to know that many people ponder on these thoughts. But the same thoughts when pop-up into a malfunctioned brain, don’t appear in a same way like they do in a ‘normal’ people’s mind. Often, these questions and thoughts turn into obsessions and become psychotic, generally referred as a unique form of OCD i.e. Pure O.

Sometimes I decide not to read dark stuff, like philosophical writings, something that turns on my rumination mode. After all, what is the use of indulging into something that ruins your inner peace and triggers a war of thoughts in your head. I read a quote of some wise author which goes like “I desire things that will kill me in the end”. That is so true in my case. I desire to study philosophy; I love to indulge in deep thinking, in an argument to discover the truth by travelling on my unique path.

Some days I go easily with ignorance. I deliberately don’t pay attention to the questions or the urges that pops into my mind. I tend to ignore things and ideas that bother me, just for the sake of my mental peace. But unfortunately, can’t get along ahead with my attempt. Almost every time, I feel so empty from inside. The hollowness of ignorance makes me more restless. I feel there is no purpose of my existence. As another saying of another wise person goes like “I think, therefore I am”. I believe in that firmly. The difference between my peers and me is because of the way we think and respond to whatever is happening with us and around. I am different from them because of my perspectives and opinions. I admit they are living a happier life than me as they have a good health and a pretty stable and consistent life, and on the other hand, I dwell in uncertainty. But still, I feel distinguished because of my identity, which is the way to see things differently, to feel with more intensity.

Therefore, I always fail to remain ignorant. Every time, I get landed into thinking and rumination again. And what I realized after reading my previous blogs, that although I was not that much stable that time when I wrote those, I was struggling with my emotional battles but I was not this much emotionally flat as I become now because of this stability. I had no career stability that time, but I was alive. Today when I have a productive routine, but I don’t feel myself. I feel more empty and hollow. I feel lack of motivation and purpose.

Rayan Ahmed.

Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

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I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

Rayan.

 

 

 

 

Bipolar and Physical Body Pains

Bipolar and Body PainHi friends,
I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago. All these years went in a roller coaster ride, finally my meds are stable from the last year. Although I do have anxiety and ocd problem but highs and lows are not that severe. But I still get mood swings which I believe can’t go entirely. in mid 2015 I had severe upper back pain that moves in different areas of upper back. sometimes the pain just disappear as there was no pain at all. then soon it comes back. Earlier I thought it was a mascular pain or some kind of muscle spasm. I applied many creams and took pain killers. There was some kind of relief but pain didn’t go. Then I was diagnosed with Vit D defficiency. my vit D level became less than 3 when i checked last year. I took 3 months course and pain went miraculously. I thought may be it was because of the vit defficiency but sadly pain came back. I got Xray as well but it came normal. It has been two years and still i have pain sensations in different parts of upper back. it goes and comes back. It gets severe when i do some mental activity or due to stress.

In addition to this, I get pain in hips while sitting for longer period of time. my doc prescribed MRI of Lumber Sacral Spine and i was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc disease (DDD) I don’t know whether that is the cause of hip pain because i do not have much pain in lower back. there is just the stiffness in lower back but the actual pain appears in hips while sitting.

I read about the connection between bipolar and phsyical pains. I read about fibromyalgia as well. I read there is a connection between stress, anxiety and body pain. Pain is often psychological. It is connected with our thoughts. I am thinking to do some relaxation exercises now. But i suspect whether a bipolar person with OCD and Anxiety disorder can permanently get rid of stress or disturbing thoughts. I am afraid whether i have to live with these body pains with the rest of my life.

Do you think there is some connection with mental illness and phsyical pains? Did you experience that?

Your feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

Rayan.

OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Blend of Misery and Blessings

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A few days ago, one of my followers commented on my post No More in Mainstream The comment was “Hope you find beauty in the wilderness” I really like that comment and decided to write a poem on this theme later on. I was just thinking about the phrase and some quick flashes of blessings given by my misery i.e. Bipolar Homosexuality, hit my mind. It is obvious that Bipolar Disorder is a serious painful illness and the sufferer loses his identity in the ongoing periods of highs and lows for the entire life. Low self-esteem, lack of energy, emptiness, and loss of interest in almost every activity of life in the phase of depression lead someone at the point to think about ending his life. And I have gone through it and I do reach to this point quite often in the severe gloomy phases of depression. On the other hand, impulsiveness, inability to make wise decisions, racing thoughts, excessive sex drive, and random actions in the period of Hypomania and psychosis in full manic episode also makes the sufferer at the extreme level of discomfort and instability.

And in my case, if the bipolar man is homosexual, his miseries get even worse. He has to fight with two issues at the same time. In my country and the faith I follow, homosexuality is forbidden. I don’t know about your views (whoever is reading the post) but as I was raised in a system that somehow I also feel homosexuality is not natural (despite I am convinced somewhere inside that it is natural) I don’t know, I am confused. One of the most important thing in Bipolar Homosexuality is ultimate sex craving – imagine, a bipolar who is not married (he doesn’t want to marry because it is a big responsibility and marriages fail due to bipolar illness and secondly he is gay) and also, he is confused about gay sex. Yes, I am talking about myself. In hypomanic or sometimes in psychotic depression phase, when I am dying for sex, abstaining from it makes me absolutely crazy. I talk insane and do things that I regret later. I screw terms with family and friends because I am not satisfied internally.

I have talked enough about the misery i.e. wilderness. Now, I will throw some light on how this combination of Bipolar illness and Homosexuality reward me. Despite all miseries, pain and suffering that this combination brings to me, I am thankful to God for the eyes that see and recognize the beauty in the outside world, the ears that are always available for family and friends to listen to their grievances and stories about their life, work and relationships, a kind heart that melts for the suffering humanity, and most of all He blessed me with a creative and thinking mind. What I write on this blog and what you appreciate is all because of these blessings otherwise I would be doing 10 hours job, have a family and kids to take care of, and got stuck in mundane life routine. I wouldn’t get time to think about big questions of the life, about the world, humanity, and I am certain I would not be able to empathize and sympathize with others.

This bipolarity blessed me with the light and the darkness (both at the same time) to see this world. And my homosexuality empowered me to empathize both the genders, that’s why I respect all genders even transgender and don’t discriminate. Also, I know the misery of a prostitute and the irony of this world which makes her that way. I can relate to the abused victims and all those to whom this world is unfair. Bipolar Homosexuality in a way, takes away my peace but in return, empowers me with traits that ‘normal’ people (those who are not bipolar or homosexual) lack. I am different and I MUST find beauty and peace in my wilderness.

Rayan Ahmed

The World is Bipolar

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The world is bipolar

We witness bright day after dark night

The Grey, Black and White

Two poles that sets us apart

Whether uniformity of the crowd

Or the exclusivity of individuals

The hotness of summer

And those chilly winters

The stillness of lake

and manic tides of ocean

The calmness in woods

Speaks the allure wisdom

The pace of metropolis

Triggers mundane boredom

I see two poles everywhere

Whether its sunshine

After the stormy rain

a hope emerges from dark clouds

The Nature trails and whispers

You’re not alone.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

http://www.pbase.com/image/27942234