Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

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I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

Rayan.

 

 

 

 

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Bipolar and Physical Body Pains

Bipolar and Body PainHi friends,
I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago. All these years went in a roller coaster ride, finally my meds are stable from the last year. Although I do have anxiety and ocd problem but highs and lows are not that severe. But I still get mood swings which I believe can’t go entirely. in mid 2015 I had severe upper back pain that moves in different areas of upper back. sometimes the pain just disappear as there was no pain at all. then soon it comes back. Earlier I thought it was a mascular pain or some kind of muscle spasm. I applied many creams and took pain killers. There was some kind of relief but pain didn’t go. Then I was diagnosed with Vit D defficiency. my vit D level became less than 3 when i checked last year. I took 3 months course and pain went miraculously. I thought may be it was because of the vit defficiency but sadly pain came back. I got Xray as well but it came normal. It has been two years and still i have pain sensations in different parts of upper back. it goes and comes back. It gets severe when i do some mental activity or due to stress.

In addition to this, I get pain in hips while sitting for longer period of time. my doc prescribed MRI of Lumber Sacral Spine and i was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc disease (DDD) I don’t know whether that is the cause of hip pain because i do not have much pain in lower back. there is just the stiffness in lower back but the actual pain appears in hips while sitting.

I read about the connection between bipolar and phsyical pains. I read about fibromyalgia as well. I read there is a connection between stress, anxiety and body pain. Pain is often psychological. It is connected with our thoughts. I am thinking to do some relaxation exercises now. But i suspect whether a bipolar person with OCD and Anxiety disorder can permanently get rid of stress or disturbing thoughts. I am afraid whether i have to live with these body pains with the rest of my life.

Do you think there is some connection with mental illness and phsyical pains? Did you experience that?

Your feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

Rayan.

OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Blend of Misery and Blessings

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A few days ago, one of my followers commented on my post No More in Mainstream The comment was “Hope you find beauty in the wilderness” I really like that comment and decided to write a poem on this theme later on. I was just thinking about the phrase and some quick flashes of blessings given by my misery i.e. Bipolar Homosexuality, hit my mind. It is obvious that Bipolar Disorder is a serious painful illness and the sufferer loses his identity in the ongoing periods of highs and lows for the entire life. Low self-esteem, lack of energy, emptiness, and loss of interest in almost every activity of life in the phase of depression lead someone at the point to think about ending his life. And I have gone through it and I do reach to this point quite often in the severe gloomy phases of depression. On the other hand, impulsiveness, inability to make wise decisions, racing thoughts, excessive sex drive, and random actions in the period of Hypomania and psychosis in full manic episode also makes the sufferer at the extreme level of discomfort and instability.

And in my case, if the bipolar man is homosexual, his miseries get even worse. He has to fight with two issues at the same time. In my country and the faith I follow, homosexuality is forbidden. I don’t know about your views (whoever is reading the post) but as I was raised in a system that somehow I also feel homosexuality is not natural (despite I am convinced somewhere inside that it is natural) I don’t know, I am confused. One of the most important thing in Bipolar Homosexuality is ultimate sex craving – imagine, a bipolar who is not married (he doesn’t want to marry because it is a big responsibility and marriages fail due to bipolar illness and secondly he is gay) and also, he is confused about gay sex. Yes, I am talking about myself. In hypomanic or sometimes in psychotic depression phase, when I am dying for sex, abstaining from it makes me absolutely crazy. I talk insane and do things that I regret later. I screw terms with family and friends because I am not satisfied internally.

I have talked enough about the misery i.e. wilderness. Now, I will throw some light on how this combination of Bipolar illness and Homosexuality reward me. Despite all miseries, pain and suffering that this combination brings to me, I am thankful to God for the eyes that see and recognize the beauty in the outside world, the ears that are always available for family and friends to listen to their grievances and stories about their life, work and relationships, a kind heart that melts for the suffering humanity, and most of all He blessed me with a creative and thinking mind. What I write on this blog and what you appreciate is all because of these blessings otherwise I would be doing 10 hours job, have a family and kids to take care of, and got stuck in mundane life routine. I wouldn’t get time to think about big questions of the life, about the world, humanity, and I am certain I would not be able to empathize and sympathize with others.

This bipolarity blessed me with the light and the darkness (both at the same time) to see this world. And my homosexuality empowered me to empathize both the genders, that’s why I respect all genders even transgender and don’t discriminate. Also, I know the misery of a prostitute and the irony of this world which makes her that way. I can relate to the abused victims and all those to whom this world is unfair. Bipolar Homosexuality in a way, takes away my peace but in return, empowers me with traits that ‘normal’ people (those who are not bipolar or homosexual) lack. I am different and I MUST find beauty and peace in my wilderness.

Rayan Ahmed

The World is Bipolar

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The world is bipolar

We witness bright day after dark night

The Grey, Black and White

Two poles that sets us apart

Whether uniformity of the crowd

Or the exclusivity of individuals

The hotness of summer

And those chilly winters

The stillness of lake

and manic tides of ocean

The calmness in woods

Speaks the allure wisdom

The pace of metropolis

Triggers mundane boredom

I see two poles everywhere

Whether its sunshine

After the stormy rain

a hope emerges from dark clouds

The Nature trails and whispers

You’re not alone.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source:

http://www.pbase.com/image/27942234

A Humble Question from You

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If a diabetic can share his illness with family, friends, and society and folks appear to be concerned about it then WHY a person suffering from bipolar disorder hesitate to share it with his fellow beings and at the first place, Why does s/he feel sorry about him and spend a life in a closet with his haunting thoughts?

Disability Stigma Lies Within

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Before diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, I referred to my ‘sadness’ or ‘excitement’ as casual emotional variation. I have been brought up with proper schooling and used to have enough social activities that everyone enjoys in early life. I used to drive my car to the university. I managed to have a shining and distinctive academic track besides taking too much stress in exam period. I knew that I faced confusion and stress – perhaps because I always used to think on big questions since I was in school. I asked my teacher about the origin of God and the mankind. I used to ponder where these languages came from? And so forth. These are questions that don’t have straight answers. The level of confusion increased to extend that I used to think I might not be a normal person.

I was too much worried about my career and was disturbed due to confusion with sexual orientation, that the anxiety led to nervous breakdown in 2007. Since March 2007, I started Psychiatric drugs, before that I was coping it without any medications. Then in 2011, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at the age of 27. After getting this fancy title, I used to analyze my life and the world around with the prejudices of the illness.

Like, I am not a normal person.

I may not live a normal happy life like others.

I am very unfortunate person

I cannot earn enough money to sustain decent life

I may not live a happy family life

And the never-ending comparison between my misery and achievements of friends

I have been taking antipsychotics since 2007 and mood stabilizers since 2011 when I was diagnosed with Bipolar (I don’t skip medicines). And along with the medication, consultation with psychiatrist on regular basis, studying about the disease online and making lifestyle adjustments, I keep experiencing highs and lows (what DSM terms as Depressive and Manic Episodes).

I don’t want to get into the debate whether drugs are working or they are not more than  placebo, I just want to highlight by sharing my story that since after the diagnosis I was put on life-time medications which apparently don’t ‘Cure’ my mood instability and give me so much side effects. Nobody would want to take medicines that keep on increasing year by year without producing a noticeable effect on your thinking and behavior, and in return disturb the brain wiring and biochemical proportions that impairs your overall physiology of body (memory function, weight gain, sleep problems, hair loss, sexual dysfunction, kidney failure, blood pressure, cardiac diseases and what not)

Beside the failure and adverse effects of drugs, the label of ‘Bipolar Disorder’ not only alienate me from the world but also make me disable, less efficient, unfortunate and ultimate failure. I know I am suffering from a horrible mental illness so it’s obvious that I can’t live a happy normal life like my friends. We often fight for acceptance in the society. But the truth is, we carry this ‘Stigma’ within us that holds us back to find and enjoy our share of happiness in the world. We see ourselves and predict our lives with the ‘lens of mental illness.’

Furthermore, when we are entitled to enter in the world of psychiatry and mental health, we explore more related stuff about the ‘disease’ and related illnesses. Then we get amaze to explore more psychological problems (that you may or may not have and regardless of the fact that it is legitimate problem or not) For example, Psychiatry justifies every thought and behavior pattern by packaging it as ‘disorder’ Like I was quite excited and thrilled as a child and didn’t focus on studies attentively so I might be suffering from ADHD or I have quite repetitive thoughts so maybe it’s OCD.  Initially it looks very fascinating to receive such titles as honorary award.

Now when I recall my life history before and after diagnosis, I can claim with no doubt that my life was much better before the diagnosis. I used to laugh on crazy jokes, I got excitement while meeting friends, I was emotional and sensitive, I got upset and offended easily, I was creative and artistic, I was a bright student, I was sympathetic but I was not a Bipolar. I was a normal person like my other friends.

Today, when I read that bipolar people are creative so I regard my creativity with my ‘disease’ not with my ability. When I knew many great writers in history were Bipolar, so I believed that my writing skills are a gift of my ‘illness’ However I took admission in Mass Communication in 2004 when I knew about my interest and capabilities but after my diagnosis as Bipolar in 2011, I realized, Oh that’s the reason why I have good communication skills.

I don’t claim that problems with cognition and behavior don’t exist. But when we give a title to something, it will become our identity and then it will decide our destiny. We just act us puppets.

P.S. I would better want to be known as a Normal person with emotional variation than a Bipolar – Mental Patient.

Rayan Ahmed.