Intrusive Sexual Thoughts

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I have been deliberately staying away from sex. It is not that I have not accepted my sexuality but there has always been something that was refraining myself from having it. I understand that it is my body need and I also realise that sex deprivation has caused a lot of frustration and misery. Being bipolar and homosexual at the same time double the misery. Hypersexuality in mania is commonly known. But I realised from experience that OCD makes a sexually deprived bipolar person crazy to a level that he can not even maintain focus on his daily tasks.

One of my friends told me to stop watching porn and go out and find REAL people. He told me that porn makes a person idealist and he starts living in fantasy and does not accept the reality. Today I realized that he was very true. I became so comfortable with watching porn and doing masturbation that talking to a real guy and going out for a date seems a real big thing for me.

My social anxiety also fuels up the dilemma. I am not comfortable with meeting new people and making friends. I don’t go to parties. I am kinda introvert type of a person. I do good in small group of known people but act weird in large groups or among unknown people. Chatting to someone on Grindr or WhatsApp is ok. I can even talk for hours but going to meet someone in real and knowing him, tolerating him, behaving in a nice manner, demands social skills that I lack. so this anxiety makes me more vulnerable.

Now after suppressing my desire for a very long time, makes me really miserable and sexually deprived. When I watch porn, some images get stuck into my mind, and I keep on obsessing on those images over and over again even when I am done with masturbation. Especially when I see somebody attractive.

I am a creative person and I appreciate art and beauty. When I see someone good looking, those images of sexual acts appear into my mind and I image it with that guy. Obviously I can not have sex with all the good looking men I see in daily life. But it is not that easy to convince it to an illogical obsessive mind. This happens more with the media celebrities. My friend was right, normal people with average looks don’t attract me. I get attracted towards good looking people with whom I can never have sex.

What I realised is that I am having these obsessions only because I have been abstaining from sex since a very long time. Carl Jung said once, what you resist persist. I think that is the case with me. But the problem is I have my rules. I don’t want NSA, Chemistry is important for me, I don’t even want a relationship, I don’t get attracted to average looking men. and I think these all are the excuses, I am not comfortable to have sex altogether. I am more comfortable with porn and my imagination. Having the actual experience scares me.

Please feel free to express your opinions.

Thanks for reading,

Rayan.

 

 

 

 

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Bipolar and Physical Body Pains

Bipolar and Body PainHi friends,
I was diagnosed with bipolar 10 years ago. All these years went in a roller coaster ride, finally my meds are stable from the last year. Although I do have anxiety and ocd problem but highs and lows are not that severe. But I still get mood swings which I believe can’t go entirely. in mid 2015 I had severe upper back pain that moves in different areas of upper back. sometimes the pain just disappear as there was no pain at all. then soon it comes back. Earlier I thought it was a mascular pain or some kind of muscle spasm. I applied many creams and took pain killers. There was some kind of relief but pain didn’t go. Then I was diagnosed with Vit D defficiency. my vit D level became less than 3 when i checked last year. I took 3 months course and pain went miraculously. I thought may be it was because of the vit defficiency but sadly pain came back. I got Xray as well but it came normal. It has been two years and still i have pain sensations in different parts of upper back. it goes and comes back. It gets severe when i do some mental activity or due to stress.

In addition to this, I get pain in hips while sitting for longer period of time. my doc prescribed MRI of Lumber Sacral Spine and i was diagnosed with Degenerative Disc disease (DDD) I don’t know whether that is the cause of hip pain because i do not have much pain in lower back. there is just the stiffness in lower back but the actual pain appears in hips while sitting.

I read about the connection between bipolar and phsyical pains. I read about fibromyalgia as well. I read there is a connection between stress, anxiety and body pain. Pain is often psychological. It is connected with our thoughts. I am thinking to do some relaxation exercises now. But i suspect whether a bipolar person with OCD and Anxiety disorder can permanently get rid of stress or disturbing thoughts. I am afraid whether i have to live with these body pains with the rest of my life.

Do you think there is some connection with mental illness and phsyical pains? Did you experience that?

Your feedback is appreciated.

Thanks

Rayan.

Being Desirable

Dr, Asma Jamal Prescription.jpg

When you desire,

you become vulnerable

more intense the desire

more severe the vulnerability

and

less chances to save

your self-esteem and dignity

But,

When you become desirable

no matter how artificial

and pretentious it is..

you give a boost to your ego

no matter how shallow

and fragile it is..

you become less bothered

and unconcerned

that made you a chooser

you overcome the hidden

monster of vulnerability

and you become free

of all chaos and demons

that lies within.

~Rayan Ahmed~

Image source: https://www.wlbfineart.com/relationships/

OCD, Anxiety & Bipolar Mania

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I don’t know if there is an evidence showing link between OCD and Bipolar Mania. I just recently had worst obsessions (Pure O and Mental Rituals) that ruined my inner peace. I had obsessions about death, afterlife, hell, heaven and day of judgement. I had intense thoughts that life of this world is just temporary and meaningless so why do we celebrate a birth of child, why do we study, work and enjoy things that are perishable and volatile. Maybe other people also ruminate on these things but a thought of a mental patient is far different from a person who is not a mental patient ( I didn’t use word ‘normal’ here because mental patients are not abnormal).

The obsessions were so intense that they made me psychotic. I kept on thinking about it and keep convincing myself, seek reassurance (mental rituals) which gave me peace of few minutes and same idea popped up again in my mind followed by re-assurance and same cycle goes on. In that period of almost 2-3 months I couldn’t perform simple day-to-day tasks, like washing hands, taking bath, eating food etc. My mind was always thinking and thinking without expecting new results.

I was not in my home country that time. Upon returning back, I consulted with my Pdoc and he prescribed me Epival (Divalproex sodium) and increased Risperdone. It was the same prescription that I used  to have previously in hypo/manic period. That made me wonder if there is some connection between OCD and Mania. Because previously when I was hypomanic, I got super excited and energised. But this time I didn’t get excited, apparently I was very normal with emotions, just had these obsessive thoughts.

Along with OCD, my anxiety was also increased. I was unable to travel because I became anxious and impatient while in traffic or in metro or malls. I consciously avoided public places when I had a choice. Moreover, I always felt full bladder, and felt an urgency of urine, though I didn’t have a need to go to washroom in real.

Also, I had health anxiety, whenever I heard about anyone’s disease in family or on television, I feared if I might have that illness, I spent hours in anxiety and panic thinking what would happen if I have that disease. It was a miserable state.

Secondly, I want to have your opinion regarding changing the environment. Does anyone get severe illness symptoms when you changed your environment? moved to different city or country? does travelling and changing place trigger your depressive or manic symptoms?

Blessings

Rayan.

 

 

Sleepless Nights

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These sleepless nights

Longing for deep rest

The hurting eyes

Burning with dreams

That I never be able to see

For dreams,

One has to sleep,

I see dreams with open eyes

A dream of a peaceful sleep

Few moments to forget my existence

To shed the weight of eyelids

I desire to rest. .

In this long night of winter

I want to escape from

Cold breathes..

I need to shut my mind

To stop the train of

Poignant thoughts

I desire a refuge

In the arms of

this gloomy night.

~ Rayan Ahmed ~

Image Source: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/health-hazards-linked-lack-sleep/story?id=19555313

Finding Fun in Walking

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Walking is an effective catharsis and stress relieving therapy. When I used to get out of home with an intention of ‘walking’ as an exercise to reduce/maintain weight (as weight management is one of the most important and painful issues of people with mental problems due to weight gaining tendency by antipsychotic drugs), so I could never motivate myself to step out of home. It seems  like a big issue and I am sure it is a common problem with most of the people who wish and plan to walk for weight reduction. But I adapted a different strategy which is, making my mind to go out and roam around what’s going on there outside my house. Going to the same park daily is of course boring, so I decided to roam and wander on different streets (without my phone and cash, because there is an increased street crime and snatching here). I feel so relaxed without my belongings. Because belongings weigh you down. That’s my experience. Anyway, now I go outside almost daily, with different intentions, sometimes to shop grocery (as I don’t drive because of medical condition so I have to walk) or sometimes to pray in mosque that is far from my house, this is what actually happened today. I walked for Esha prayer in a mosque which is very far from my area, and it was not only praying of course, it also burned my calories. 🙂

So my advice to all of you, especially those who can’t motivate themselves to jog or join gym (because you can’t be regular with gym, that’s my own experience). Go out, just to roam around, watch people, say Hi Hello or in our culture we say Assalam O Alikum, to elder people, they feel happy, you may see smiling kids on streets, you can do some charity too, believe me, such small acts make you feel so contented. and your self esteem raises high, what else do you want? Exercise+Entertainment+Observation+Boost in self-esteem+Weight  management = all in one package !! 🙂

Cheers,

Rayan Ahmed

(P.S. who regularly follow my blog can see the difference in my tone from the last few posts, from depression, i became happy and excited, but for a Bipolar it’s not good to be over excited, so I need to control my happiness too 😉

Desire of novelistic Intimacy

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I just glanced at an ongoing TV show “Sadqay Tumhare” (I’ll die for you) that depicts the lifestyle of 1960’s – it is filmed in the villages of Punjab and rural part of Lahore. Usually I don’t watch TV drama, mainly because eastern drama (Pakistani, Indian, Turkish) are mostly based on family politics and are far beyond the reality of life, despite some of the serials, which are message oriented and highlight the real life issues of common people or the society. So, I was talking about ‘Sadqay Tumhare’ I don’t like that drama at all, because it revolves around the novelistic eternal love between a man and a woman of village who fight their entire life to have the intimacy and go through typical family and social battles because people don’t want to make it happen. And in the end, they meet finally, because it is after all a love story that usually has happy endings to meet audience expectations. But there is something very exciting about the male lead character of this drama. I don’t remember the character name, but he is a typical macho man whose roughness can tempt any woman. Well in my case, any man too who desire masculine men. 🙂

Followed by watching only one scene where he enters the house of his girlfriend wearing Cotton Shalwar Kameez and Shawl on his shoulder (traditional Pakistani men’s clothing), with stubble, and hard looks that makes his face more rough (and appealing), I went out of the TV lounge, not because I couldn’t stand his masculinity but because I had to make my post dinner green tea. Later on, I came into my room upstairs, and thought to post a poem that I had written and saved earlier in my phone. But I couldn’t do that because my mind was occupied with the Macho man and tough tempting looks of the Hero. Followed by my thoughts, I started having a feeling that I won’t call ‘sex craving’ rather it was a feeling of emptiness and sadness. Or you may call it loneliness. Porn has always been my companion in loneliness. Therefore, before posting a poem on WordPress, I watched porn, and tried to find a porn star whose looks were rough and quite masculine. (Just in case, if you think I am effeminate and desire active men, I want to clarify, I am not into sex, and sometimes I visualize hard looks hairy masculine guys and sometime, I desire cute twinks 😉 so I am into both, you can say, and in reality I am into no one 🙂

Anyway, luckily I found one video clip, watched quickly and jerked off, and had a classic feeling of sorrow and desolation. Well, we all realize that porn can’t substitute real sex experience. Porn and masturbation can please you to an extent but I don’t think one can rely on that for the entire life (which I am doing and wish to do). In my last post Blend of misery and blessings I talked about hypersexuality which makes me absolutely mad at times. I watch excessive porn and masturbate; it is similar to draining my energy into something that doesn’t reward me with anything. With every porn that I watch, I desire someone in real life and feel more miserable and helpless. I know porn doesn’t reflect the actual sex, because it is emotionless, merciless, and it is not love making, rather it shows lust and greed and it promotes fake desires, it never tells you to have an intimate partner to share your life, or watch a movie and cook together in kitchen, that are soft romantic emotions that keep you alive and happy. With the click on ‘Play’ icon, it begins with nude lusty bodies, licking each other, displaying their greed and the camera zooms in at their private parts, which simply disgusts your romantic thoughts.

I don’t desire orgasm-followed-by-porn, I want an intimacy, someone lie on bed with me, holding hands and conversing, sometimes intellectually and sometime just crap.. cracks stupid jokes, we go out on a drive and shop together, go to cinema and discuss the movie over dinner. That is my fantasy, not just masturbation after watching porn. I want that masculine man with stubble face and romantic thoughts that are shown in the serial Sadqay Tumhare, but I wonder; does such novelistic type of love that we read in Shakespeare writings exist today in fast pacing materialistic world? And more important question, does such love exist in gay world? Where people desire each other only when get horny and the love lasts until ejaculation.

Rayan Ahmed.

Image Source: http://sydneygaycounselling.com/2011/09/challenge-intimacy-men/