My Story

HI. I’m Rayan, just another laid back, curious guy. Love to read, observe, think and express.. I belong to a conservative society where you’re discouraged to speak the truth or express yourself particularly if your views are unconventional. At times I feel suffocated in this depressing environment and my inner integrity and self esteem get severely hurt. Being a Bipolar Homosexual, it is way too difficult to be a part of this orthodox system. I’ve traveled a long journey of hardships and self denial to reach at the point where I stand today. In my early teens, when my friends were getting excited for their biological changes, at the same time, I was so confused and scared about those ‘strange’ feelings I was going through. There were so many questions popping in my mind and there was nobody to answer them. Ironically, I could not consult anybody regarding what I was going through. At the age of 18, when i was introduced to the ‘Gay World’ on internet, I couldn’t admit this reality. It was a huge thing for me to realize that I was different from my friends. It was the time, when I rejected myself, my feelings, my desires… and started fighting with my inner self.. tried to divert my attention from Guys to Girls.. Started thinking about ‘Pretty Girls’ while masturbating.. the old so called therapies for changing sexuality.

I was all alone in the crowd.. have been blessed by a good educated well settled family, good academic portfolio, casual friends to crack jokes and hang out.. My family and friends know me as a talkative, care-free, emotional, non serious kid..  sadly my closed ones are unaware of who I am. Then, in early 20’s I was diagnosed as Bipolar. Ah, what a woeful combination of Homosexuality and Bipolar mental illness. Now, I have to fight with two painful realities for the rest of my life.. and the worst part is, both are taboo issues, so I have to hide my real self with people around me because they are too immature to understand and take things beyond their conventional orthodox norms and perceptions.

Thanks for reading.

Rayan Ahmed.

Email: revolving_thoughts@yahoo.com

P.S. English is not my native language. Pardon me for grammatical errors.

12 Comments

  1. Rayan, thank you for sharing your story. I too have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed my sophomore year of college.

    “Now, I have to fight with two painful realities for the rest of my life.. and the worst part is, both are taboo issues, so I have to hide my real self with people around me because they are too immature to understand and take things beyond their conventional orthodox norms and perceptions.” I so hope this will change for you. Liberation is so important, whether it be spiritually, mentally, socially, etc. and I certainly hope you will find that freedom. Much love.

  2. Hi Ryan! Thanks for following my blog and liking some of my posts.

    I know how much it hurts to be judged based on labels. I understand what you are going through because even I am experiencing it right now. I’m suffering from Depression and I’m not sure if it ever escalate to Bipolar Disorder. Although I have few symptoms of Bipolar. Anyway. Basically, don’t let other people tell you otherwise about who you are. This is who you are and no one or even you can change that.

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