Missing My Thinking and Emotions

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I always felt tempted to read sociology, psychology and philosophy, because I am a deep thinker and I love ruminating. Since my late childhood, I kept obsessing about big questions of life regarding the absolute truth, beginning of life, destiny of mankind, death, afterlife, Day of Judgment and accountability. Upon sharing my thoughts with a few close acquaintances, I got to know that many people ponder on these thoughts. But the same thoughts when pop-up into a malfunctioned brain, don’t appear in a same way like they do in a ‘normal’ people’s mind. Often, these questions and thoughts turn into obsessions and become psychotic, generally referred as a unique form of OCD i.e. Pure O.

Sometimes I decide not to read dark stuff, like philosophical writings, something that turns on my rumination mode. After all, what is the use of indulging into something that ruins your inner peace and triggers a war of thoughts in your head. I read a quote of some wise author which goes like “I desire things that will kill me in the end”. That is so true in my case. I desire to study philosophy; I love to indulge in deep thinking, in an argument to discover the truth by travelling on my unique path.

Some days I go easily with ignorance. I deliberately don’t pay attention to the questions or the urges that pops into my mind. I tend to ignore things and ideas that bother me, just for the sake of my mental peace. But unfortunately, can’t get along ahead with my attempt. Almost every time, I feel so empty from inside. The hollowness of ignorance makes me more restless. I feel there is no purpose of my existence. As another saying of another wise person goes like “I think, therefore I am”. I believe in that firmly. The difference between my peers and me is because of the way we think and respond to whatever is happening with us and around. I am different from them because of my perspectives and opinions. I admit they are living a happier life than me as they have a good health and a pretty stable and consistent life, and on the other hand, I dwell in uncertainty. But still, I feel distinguished because of my identity, which is the way to see things differently, to feel with more intensity.

Therefore, I always fail to remain ignorant. Every time, I get landed into thinking and rumination again. And what I realized after reading my previous blogs, that although I was not that much stable that time when I wrote those, I was struggling with my emotional battles but I was not this much emotionally flat as I become now because of this stability. I had no career stability that time, but I was alive. Today when I have a productive routine, but I don’t feel myself. I feel more empty and hollow. I feel lack of motivation and purpose.

Rayan Ahmed.

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7 Comments

  1. Hey! I’m 23 (24 tomorrow!). I’m really scared of causing harm to people around me or causing harm to myself. So I see potential danger everywhere. I’m also hypochondriac, and fear ‘contamination’. I can get a lot of unpleasant gruesome intrusive thoughts too. I’ve been working on mood a lot this year. I would often experience racing excited thoughts, and create big plans about my future. My mood boosts, I become more confident, my libido goes from zero to 100. This unsurprisingly meant I just was unable to sleep for about a year, which after a while became unbearable in itself. I also experience mixed episodes. I’m on medication for anxiety as well as mood, but still not quite sure whether they are separate or not. I’ve only been treated medically for the first time this year so I guess I’ll find out. Drop me a line at themoodyworrier@gmail.com 🙂

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