Yet again experienced a terrible and disappointing day at workplace. Sadly it was supposed to be my first working day at a new job. Day before yesterday I got the employment letter in evening just after 2 hours interview by Marketing Manager and CEO. It is a growing real estate company having staff of 20 people. I was hired for Digital Marketing. I was not super excited upon getting employment letter at the interview day because it happened earlier as well. Alhumdolillah I get jobs with less effort. It might be my persuasive communication skills or confidence that make them ignore so many job fluctuations on resume which HR people refer as incompetence or inconsistency. I was offered handsome salary and position of Digital Media Manager, which is of course a big thing in an international city and booming real estate industry even for a small broker company. Therefore, my family and friends were super excited upon receiving the news.
I have been doing lot of home work and brainstorming to manipulate my mind for not giving up this time as before. I was fighting with my own obsessive negative thoughts and fears in an attempt to develop a coping strategy against the same workplace phobia that I always experience. I kept on convincing myself that I easily get a job which is a big thing for my friends. It’s just that they keep working regardless work pressure, workplace politics and other hardships; I should learn from them and if I could get over with it, I might be progressing in a faster pace because of my additional knowledge and skills. I had been a bright and teachers-favorite student, always got good grades in comparison to my friends so if they are doing well in their respective fields, why cant I? I just have to fight with anxiety and defeat it this time. I won’t let the anxiety decide my destiny. I reduced 20 Kgs, I look smarter and more presentable than before, there’s nothing that could stop me in keeping this job moving. Most of all I glamorized the job package by associating different financial and social benefits derived from salary and perks.
I was feeling so much tired yesterday while preparing for first day at new job. My body was restless and mind started popping up ifs and buts regarding this job. I had accepted that I’m not fit for corporate culture long time back but kept trying new opportunities and expecting positive results in a hope if it works this time. In morning, I had to put great effort in motivating myself to step out from home and traveled to metro station. It was 2 hours journey to office with growing anxiety and obsessive compulsive thoughts. As the train moving forward, I felt I’m going away from my peaceful world to hell and will not come back.
I was empty and hollow when I stepped into the office. After 2 hours of painful waiting, I got my work station and a laptop. I started making a rough digital strategy for the real estate company so that I had something concrete to say in first official meeting with boss. At 11 AM when my dad called me, i couldn’t speak properly. I hanged up phone and my mind was preoccupied with severe anxiety and daring crazy thoughts. I bet I was not in that world where everyone else was. That place appeared to be a jail and colleagues were like monsters. The mid-aged man sitting next to me was like an ugly ruthless jailer who just asked “I’m coming to you in a while” Probably he was my reporting authority. I got too much frightened and paranoid that felt like crying. Can’t express that trauma in words.
As soon as he left the room, I didn’t waste any single moment, took my bag, waist pouch, shades and ran away from office without even informing boss. Luckily I had to sign the contract today so I was not abode by any legal obligation.
I will soon write about the lesson I learnt from this experience. And how my apparently failed coping strategy and manipulative brainstorming efforts resulted in giving me a positive energy that made me responded differently this time. I have made few resolutions based on this experience that I would like to share with you in next blog.
People who are struggling hard with their mental illness to find some place among ‘normal people’ in society often face workplace phobia. You are welcome to share your personal experiences.
Thanks for reading.