After increasing my dose, I got my sleep back after severe Manic episode. Things apparently got back to normal so as my alarming impulsive behavior. Now, I give it a second thought before saying anything or materializing my thoughts into actions. This is quite rational i guess. I may appear normal to my family and friends including my Facebook contacts who started doubting on my mental health in reaction to my crazy Facebook posts. But somehow, I’m not liking it. It’s just that a deep silence after thunder storm, everything is still and calm. I feel somebody has squeezed all energy from my body and I am a dead body now and my soul is wandering here and there. Sometime I feel like an old guy, very mature and sensible, who thinks well before doing anything, always calculate his actions on the scale of its consequences. Its quite normal display of behavior, after all who doesn’t like to behave normally. But I’m simply not liking this ‘normality’ of my behavior somehow.
This strange feeling of dislike made me wonder if Bipolar people really love their disease. Manic is an awesome bipolar episode, when you’re walking on clouds and climbing peak of snow covered mountain tip and touching the sky. I bet a manic can even promise to make a new record by walking around the earth. Medical science doesn’t have any instrument to measure the level of energy and excitement a manic absorbed in his mind and body. Besides mania, I am sure there is certain state or condition when a bipolar even enjoys to be depressed. I heard that tears for true love also give you immense pleasure. Probably that’s why many poets & artists do wonders in their respective fields.
I read that Bipolar people have God gifted Creativity and Energy. As I talked above, even we can successfully and meaningfully use our negative energy that is resulted in depression episode. This could happen if we have a realization that its just another depressive episode and I’ll get over it soon. But what happens is, when we are going through any extreme emotional phase (Mania or Depression) we perceive it as eternal as this is the end of the universe. However, when the same thing flashes back into our mind later on, we have totally different reaction to that situation.
I am a deep thinker, that’s why I love reading and writing. Being a Bipolar, I suspect my every thought, action and reaction. I ask questions to myself, why I respond to it in this way or I could have respond to it in a better way. I advice to you (if you’re a Bipolar) Always keep a journal with you. Now, in this digital age, its easy to make notes in your phone. Write down your thought patterns and situations that trigger your any bipolar episode (something made you respond impulsively) You will surprise to know that your behavior will be following an interesting patterns over the period of time. It will help you to control your thoughts and mood swings in a long run.
Well, all suggestions apart, I love my disease. Being bipolar I am sensitive enough to care for my loved ones. I feel pride in reading minds of my friends. Its my disease that made me study human behavior and psychology. And above all, I’m blessed with immense creativity and artistic sense. I can paint bright and gloomy pictures with my words. When I’m happy, I can make anybody laugh out loud and when I’m sad, I can make anyone cry.
In my opinion, taking a few colorful medicines for this magical mystery is not at all a bad deal. What do you say? 🙂